Donnerstag, 14. Oktober 2010

Success I like your sweet taste

I successfully finished my first day yesterday!
I stayed in my calorie range, even though the evening was a little hard, because I was really hungry by 7 o'clock, i felt like eating all my low fat yogurts that i bought earlier that day. But I did't. yay!

I woke up this morning, not hungry at all (mornings are the bests aren't they?) in a really good mood, then talked with my mom on the phone. I really enjoyed talking to my mom, but she starts to go on my nerves when she calls me to often. I am having a job interview this afternoon although I don't know if I want to do the job. But I'll see what the women has to say and what kind of tasks she is expecting me to do. I bet they pay really badly and expect me to do a lot. I'd like a job, that is a little more calm. But I keep looking, I don't have to take it right away right?

Okay so I am off to do some cleaning in my appartment.
The safe food list is still to come, I don't have the time right now to type it up.
But I'm gonna do that maybe later in the day.

yay I don't know I am just happy today, everything is in order.
Maybe I even succeed in eating less calories than yesterday..

hope you have a good day.

Dienstag, 12. Oktober 2010

Time to start over

After laying in bed for the whole day, drowning in self-pitty I decided to put and end to this dramatic behaviour of mine.
I've had enough!
Of my excuses over excuses. Of my whining and bitching, of my self isolation and lazyness but most of my fears!
I am scared. I have to face it. Depression is comfort, my bed is comfort and food is comfort.
No more, no more.

I want to do things, accomplish something in my life.

I want to succeed in beeing a student, I want to succeed at finding a job, I want to be thin, I want to be more athletic.
I want to have my cake and eat it too (not in that literal sense, but wou know what I mean).
I want to have it all.

And I have to work for it. From nothing comes nothing. I can not stay in bed and wait for a miracle to happen. It is never going to happen and all I'll be doing is wait.

So I set out a plan:

I have my goal, I know where I want to go.
But, in order for me to succeed I'll have to take it slow (not super slow, but I won't be able to fast right away). I am going to restrict my calorie intake more and more, starting at 1200.

I've made a safe food list which I am going to stick most of my time. If I am in a social situation, I am going to allow myself a tiny little portion of whatever. That way I am not going to feel restricted and binge later.
If I feel that I am in danger of bingeing, I am going to allow myself a tiny portion of whatever I am craving as well.
I really hope that this strategy will work for me and keep me from bingeing!

I'll have to come up with a work out plan as well but I haven't yet.

I think I really need a fresh start. I am going to declutter my hole bedroom and the kitchen as well, to make it really official.

so, I have lots to do as you see..
I am gonna check in tomorrow and let you know of my progress.
Maybe I'll type up my safe food list as well if you're interested.

xoxo stay strong & carpe diem!

i lost my life

Had a binge yesterday night.
My roommate was sleeping and i got up to make pasta.
I hate myself very much right now, I can not bear to get out of bed.
I can not bear to open the window curtains.
I want to stay here in the darkness where i feel secure.

I lost my live, I will lose my life, I can not stay in bed all day.
I already did too much damage to my life.
I am a failure.

Donnerstag, 7. Oktober 2010

poem of the night

I am blank.

I am a semi beautiful doll
too fat to be pretty
too honest to be dull.
I want to feel something -
I want to cry out loud.
Pain is relief.
Food is poison.
My bones in a plastic bag.
Tomorrow is yesterday
all over again.

Mittwoch, 29. September 2010

sun is shining - the weather is sweet

Sometimes I think I might be bipolar.
How come that I have such highs and lows. It's crazy.

Today the sun is shining and I am just over the moon.
No eating intended today.
I am not even hungry.
I had coffe and a sip of orange juice.

I am going to clean up my room today. I have not been cleaning for a week and it looks like I've been robbed or something.
It's gonna feel good to have a clean room again.
I also plan to redecorate my room a bit. I become bored with how my room looks really easily.

I am planning on having only liquids today. I am gonna weigh myself on saturday morning and hopefully I will be the same weight or less.

There is a hole lot sitting on my shoulders like finishing papers for my university classes, finding a job etc. I get stressed even thinking about it. But I try to remain calm and do yoga and basicly tell myself that I am not stressed.
stress = binge = fat!

I hope y'all doing well girls.
Just remember taking one day at a time.

Dienstag, 28. September 2010

Dear little monster..

Since last week autumn has arrived with days filled of pouring rain and cloudy darkness.
Depression is taking over again, like clockwork orange.
I lost 11 lbs since the last time I wrote a post.
But I can't bring myself to be happy about it. Since yesterday I have binge eaten and there is still hunger for more. There is a little monster inside of me who never stops.. never stops to feel hungry, never stops to feel unsatisfied. I am not hungry for more food. Food is bland and tasteless. I am hungry for life. But scared at the same time.
I was noticing my body dysmorphia today. I guess it is not as deep developed as I can distinguish between the image of how I think my body looks in my head, and how my body looks in reality. I always always think that I am much more fatter than I am. In my head I think I look like an obese person. And I am not, i don't have a BMI of 30 or more. But I feel like it. I am in the normal weight range but I can't wrap my head around it.
I am scared of this. Why can't I feel just normal?

I don't know how to get rid of my inner obese monster, always hungry, never satisfied.

Dear little monster, please shut up.
Let me live my life.
Let me lose my fears, lose my hunger, lose my sadness.

I just remebered the lines that I wrote in the description box, about sailing to and Island on a starving boat.
Little monster I want to leave you behind and drown you in the water.

I want to sail now.
There is a deep longing for escape.
Escape out of the life I created for myself.

I'm tired now I have to leave I have to sleep..
I am begging you little monster to loosen your claws.
At least for tonight.

Donnerstag, 19. August 2010

moderation is somehow the key

Well, it has been a while since my last post. What happened was, I got really sick last week, my mother actually had to come by and pick me up. I stayed at my parents house for the last week and I basicly couldn't eat much, only fruit and soup and some light meals. By the end of the week I stepped on the scale and I lost 5 pounds!!
Yay!!! 5 freakin pounds.. i don't know why I was (or still am) so excited about 5 pounds but anyway..
since then I have been the queen of control. I eat 1000 calories per day and I am losing weight. It is a miracle. Like something clicked inside me. I am not tempted to binge at all. For example tonight: I was at home alone, watching TV and normaly this would be the perfect opportunity for me to binge. I was kind of thinking about it, too. But then I thought to myself: "Eating? Right now? Forget it, don't even think about it. I am not going to do it anyways!" I took a bottle of water instead and that was it. No binge. I feel like I am in control and somehow having a balance. I clearly see how I lost weight on my stomack already. Tomorrow I am going to weigh myself again and hopefully I'll be happy with the results.
I'll let you know soon,

Donnerstag, 5. August 2010

water melon fail & some realizations

First of, I have to confess a few things.
I didn't make it through my planned water melon fast. Let's see, it lastet until 5 pm on monday. Then I got drunk with a friend, later at home alone I binged, on tuesday I binged some more as well as yesterday. I was basicly not eating throughout the day and then bingeing in the evening. This morning I binged again on toast, cheese and pb&j, chocolate milk and buttered corn. Disgusting, I know.
My roommate moved out on monday, so that I had a free pass to binge all day long. I left the curtains closed, filled up my fridge, watched tv shows and movies on my computer and layed in bed all day. I am really sad. My life is pathetic right now. I am that sick depressed girl, who is stuffing her face with food, absolutely disgusting.
But you know what? Only I have responsibilty for my own actions.
Only I can decide what to do with my life.
The last days taught me, that I can no longer live like that. Depressed, fat, eating, letting myself go like this.
I no longer want to be unhappy and fat. I no longer want to be that alone, hiding myself behind closes curtains, letting no sunshine in.
I never had a boyfriend and I am 24 years old. You know why? Because I could not bear anyone touch my huge disgusting body. I have to face it, it is exactly the way my former school students were telling me. Which boy can ever find my body attractive? I am unattractive! Because I have huge legs and hips and arms and my stomach is huge as well. The only thing I like about myself is my small waist. Even though I am overweight, I can feel my rips on my upper body, even though they are not showing, but I am thanking god, that at least my waist is not covered in fat.
If I want to escape this mess, I have to lose weight. There is no other way.
Only I can motivate myself, only I can say no to food.
Only I can control what goes into my body.
Only I can decide whether I want to be thin or not.
Every time I say no to food, I say yes to thin.
The problem is, I am not an anorexic, even though I have small (!) restrictive phases, it is always the same thing: starving and bingeing, starving and bingeing over and over again.
I am not losing weight this way, because my binges are too often and my starving hours too little - I neeed to figure out a way, where I can eat little and not binge.
That means I have to eat more, so I do not feel the need to binge.
I honestly have no idea how I am gonna accomplish that, but I am going to try, I have to.
I am gonna try over and over again.

I'll set myself some rules, which I think are going to help me.

1. Portion control. My stomach needs to get smaller and smaller.
2. Safe food list. I'll have to figure out what I can and can not eat.
3. I can only eat in the kitchen. No more eating in bed, in front of the computer or elsewhere. Food free zone except the kitchen!
4. I'll have to keep myself occupied. I have to be thinking about other things than food. I have to make a list of things I want to accomplish in the next few days.
5. Go for a walk every day. Sitting in my appartment 24/7 is not allowed anymore, even though it feels safe, i need to connect to the outside world every day.
6. Drinking lots of water. At least 2 1/2 liters a day.
7. I'll weigh myself again every day.

I want to come to this point where I am so obsessed with other things (study, sports, reading, organizing my appartment...) that I'll forget to eat.
This is my goal.

If you made it through this huge post, congrats and thank you!
I think ,I kind of had a break through today, but I don't want to be too optimistic.
Thank you again for reading, it really means a lot to me, and every comment you guys leave is always so nice.

Freitag, 30. Juli 2010

good morning ladies

So I haven't eaten at all yesterday, I only had apple juice (meal replacement lol) and tatatataa..i did not binge either. I was tempted, very tempted let's say the least, because stupid me had to watch "what's in a binge" videos on youtube (these vids where girls show what they binge on, obviously bulimic girls). It was a little bit like testing my strength.

But onto other things, I have a trip coming up in october. Until then I want to lose as much weight as possible. I am doing a watermelon fast soon and after that I think I'll stick to my 1000 cal. diet + working out like crazy + working for my term papers like crazy throughout the hole time.

Thats all for today, I'll have to get up and work out right now.

Donnerstag, 29. Juli 2010

confused..and panicking

Since yesterday I was attempting a try of "eating healthy and working out".

I had oats and fruit for breakfast, a healthy pita sandwich for lunch and egg white omlette and spinach salad for dinner. It went okay, also today I worked out in the morning, then had oats and fruit, pita sandwich for lunch.

Now dinner time is arriving and I wanted a baked potato, no butter only a little bit of low fat sour cream. Then I discovered my potatoes went bad. And now I am freaking out, not knowing what to eat, or even if I want to eat. I know that if I don't eat I will binge later.

I am such a loser, like for real.

I am whining about eating, and beeing weak and you all gorgeaus girls are so strong. I swear Bulimia is such a b***. I am too weak to restrict properly and now I am getting a panic attac over bad potatoes.

This is definitely not normal behaviour.

I don't know if I even want to post this, but I guess I'll do it.

I hope you have a better day then me, panic attac free and no bad potatoes involved.

Donnerstag, 22. Juli 2010

this morning I woke up before my alarm clock

The last weeks were very stressful. Last monday I had a breakdown and wanted to kill myself.
Then I was angry at myself for thinking of suicide. I can only speak for myself here, but for me, thinking about suicide is selfish and self centered. I felt very overwhelmed by a lot of things that are going on in my life right now.
But I can not be that selfish and hurt the people who care about me very much.

On another note, my eating habits were pretty much out of control, but I am getting back on track.
Starting to work out again is helping me the most, especially because feeling the pain of my working muscles is kind of replacing the need to fill my stomach until it hurts (not all the time but still..).

I feel like I need a new eating plan. I'm thinking about fruit in the morning and one meal in the afternoon. Maybe a yogurt in between. 1000 calories max. should make it easier for me to not binge.

I am also thinking about going a fruit fast, which I am really excited about. I want to do a watermelon fast, nothing but watermelon and water. Who wants to join me on the watermelon fast? I am thinking about starting next week..


Donnerstag, 17. Juni 2010

I am not ready to give up yet..

I did promise to update sooner, but life is not always as planable as my meal plans. I did really good until yesterday. I stood in the supermarket and couldn't resist to buy that chocolate and a package of chips. My mind was rushing as I stood there, I litterally had the chips in my hand for about 5 minutes, because I could't decide weather to buy them or not. I felt like people were already staring at me, wondering what I was doing. I sort of always feel like people are judging me while I'm grocery shopping. And it is so time consuming. I'll go through the aisles, picking up packages, putting them away, picking them up again..rushing through the sweet section just to be there again 5 minutes later, staring at the candy.
But back to yesterday.. I obviously bought the chocolate and also the chips and I finished all of it the same night. All of my hard work of the last week..undone! I was crying later in the shower, after throwing up as quiently as could, so my roommate wouldn't notice (and in my appartment, I can hear my roommate having sex with her bf, while I'm in the bathroom - very disturbing, freaks me out every time). Anyways, today I couldn't get out of bed, it is 4 pm and I haven't eaten anything, I had just a little orange juice (about 34 cal) and water. I am very much depressed today, but writing about it helps a little. I'm supposed to visit my parents today but I just can't. I can not face the outside world today, it is just too much. I just don't know how to go on with life. I am incapable of taking care of myself. I am incapable of accomplishing anything. Where do I go?

Montag, 7. Juni 2010

life is expensive

I have basically been absent this long because my laptop broke and I had to give it away to a repair service. This majorly got on my nerves. For the last two weeks I had no internet access. I realized how much I relay on my laptop in day to day life. I never realized how much I am addicted to the Internet. I watch a lot of TV shows online and I feel like my hole life is in this little machine.. that actually sounds pretty sad.

Meanwhile I was very lazy with exercising, I did nothing during the last weeks. Eating wise it's been up and down. I had some bad days and some good. I can't even weigh myself, because my scale broke as well. Everything brakes lately in my household, it seems like I am haunted by some mad ghost or something.
I don't know if I lost any weight. I feel really bloated today because I am about to get my period and my hole body bloats like a balloon (hate it! don't want to leave the house). However I can't affort to buy a new scale because I had to pay for my laptop reperation and I don't have a lot of money left. I hate to have not a lot of money. I can't wait to finish my degree at university and finding a job.
I did not eat very much today so far, I had coffee, a little apple juice and a banana. I think I'm gonna eat a salad or soup for dinner. I love spinach salad and asparagus these days. A pound only has 60 calories and I normally eat half of that.
I think I'm gonna eat steamed asparagus and spinach salad tonight. Yum!
I drizzle a little balsamic vinegar and put some parsley over it and it is really good and filling.
Tell me your favorite "skinny meals" if you like.

I'll talk write to you soon ( I'm so glad to be back!)

Donnerstag, 6. Mai 2010

may 6th

Intake yesterday:
bf: 1 small Banana, coffee 90 cal
lunch: candy (not planned) 200 cal worth
dinner: low fast yoghurt and another small banana 220 cal
later in the evening: chocolate 110 cal
total: 620 cal

intake today (so far):
bf: tea, 1 banana, 1 hole grapefruit 131 cal

I was a little pissed at myself for eating chocolate and candy, but at least i did keep my calories low and didn't binge like crazy. It feels so good to be back in restriction again and not binge and purge all the time.
I am also joining this skinny pact , if you want to check that one out.


Dienstag, 4. Mai 2010

may 4th, I am back again

It's been a while, but I am back and kind of motivated.
I watched all 6 seasons of the Hills this weekend (after beeing completely hung over from friday night). I find this show somewhat stupid, but the girls and fashion in it is inspiring.
I googled Lauren Conrads diet and work out.
She is eating pretty healthy, lots of fruit and vegetables, lean protein, beans and lentils at a max. of 1,500 calories. No carbs after breakfast. She is working out twice a week, doing weight training and some cardio.
I think she is pretty thin, especially on the cover of shape magazine. On other pictures her thighs look a little big.
Here is my meal plan (not hers, i made up my own):

breakfast: fruits, a little carbs (whole wheat bread or oatmeal), coffee and skim milk
300 cal
lunch: salad with lean protein (fish or chicken breast)
300 cal
dinner: steamed veggies with fish or chicken or beans/lentils or high protein substitute
300 to 400 cal
snacks: low fat yogurt and almonds
150 cal

total calories for the day: 1000 to 1050 minus calories burned in work outs, at least 200 a day.
-> total calories: 800 to 850 or less

my rules are:
1. The only drinks aloud are water and tea.
2. If i have a snack in between lunch and dinner I'll only have 300 cal for dinner.
3. I have to work out every day at least for 20 minutes.
4. I can only spend 30 € in a week on food.
5. I have to prepare or plan my food in advance for everywhere I go.
6. I have to keep a food diary.

I want to lose at least 2-3 lbs a week.

What do you think? Good plan or bad idea to eat that much?

I already feel guilty rereading my meal plan.
Maybe I can forget about how much I eat when I see the weight drop consistently..(which is my major struggle - to be consistent and not fall back into b&p habits)

That' all for now.
Here are some pictures for you guys..

Mittwoch, 31. März 2010

I'm just not gonna eat tomorrow..

I am done with trying.
I don't want to try anymore.
I want to do and be.
doing and being
doing and being
doing and being..

intake so far:
orange juice 30 cal
banana 86 cal

Eastern is coming up and i seriously just wanna kill myself.
All the chocolates, cake, eastern bread, eggs..
Eastern literally became all about food and eating in my family.
Check this "menu" plan:
11 am: easter brunch
3 pm: cake and coffee
8 pm: barbecue
This is not an invitation for myself but for mia.
My family doesn't want me anymore, they want mia to sit on their table, stuffing her face with food, sneaking out to the toilet afterwards.
How am I gonna survive this without giving into my bingeing behaviors??
A part of me just wants to be sick during eastern.

Freitag, 19. März 2010

this is a try

After a couple confusing days and a lot of thinking, i decided to give this a try:

1. Doing a lot of sports, muscle training, biking, running, home trainer. At least 1 hour per day.

2. Eating more healthy and normal. I am so sick of this cycle of restricting and b&p. I decided to up my calorie intake to 1000 calories per day.

My eating plan should look like this:
morning: coffee + fruit smoothie
lunch: steamed vegetables or salad and lean protein (chicken, fish, low fat cheese or eggs)
dinner: same as lunch
snacks should be fruit or vegetables

as you may noticed no carbs are allowed.

3. NO MORE BINGES! and no more purging. period.

4. change of mindset. I'm trying to learn how to not be so obsessed with food and weight loss. (not sure yet how to accomplish that)

don't get me wrong, I still want that dream body. But I want to be healthier as well.

Thats it folks.

Mittwoch, 17. März 2010

breakdown and confusion

Hello lovelies,
I am in a bit of a rollercoaster ride these days. I've been bingeing and rectricting and bingeing and purging and restricting..i've lost grip and right know i don't know how to get out of this. I've had a long conversation with one of my best friends on the phone yesterday and I started to break down in tears because I could't take it anymore. I told her a little bit of my situation and she was very concerned, telling me I should see a therapist. Now I regret that a little bit that I told her about my issues, but it also felt good to talk to someone. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't feel that I am sick enough to see someone about this. I am still at this ridiculous high weight (173lbs, I weighed myself on monday) and I am not even entirely convinced that I have an eating disorder. Sure what I'm going through is not normal, but I don't know...
It is all a big mess in my head, i can not concentrate, i can not work i can't do anything. Plus I have to pretend that everything is normal, that I am normal in front of my roommate.
I was thinking, maybe I should up my calories, which maybe is preventing me from bingeing, idk..
I can't think clearly right know, i think i'm gonna do some yoga right know to calm myself down and clear my head. I'll talk to you soon and update on my eating plans.

Donnerstag, 11. März 2010

sleepless night ramble

It is 5 am right now and I am still awake. Nothing is worse for me than having a sleepless night. I went to bed at 4 am yesterday and slept until 12, maybe thats the reason why I can't sleep. Things have been better, I drank a little too much yesterday but thats okay. I had a lot of male attention that night, which was making me slightly uncomfortable. It is because I can not understand how men are interested in me. I just don't like people looking at me.
I did some yoga earlier, which was very relaxing. I should do it more often. I need to do some meditation too. I have to calm myself down a little bit more. Lately my anxiety appeared more often. Somedays it doesn't even stop. It makes me very anxious. Sometimes I wonder if I have a serious illness that makes me light headed all the time. Thats how crazy I think sometimes. I don't remember when exactly I became such an anxious person. Worrying all the time. I hope meditation will help a little with that.
oh and I have some good news: my roomie is away for the weekend, so I'm gonna bury myself in work and don't have to eat.Yay! I'm gonna weigh myself on monday I think. I'm still really afraid, but I guess there is no way around it. I have to face the truth. Because the scale never lies, huh?
I set myself the goal to lose at least 15 pounds until Eastern in 3 weeks.
I think it is very much doable and I am kind of excited to plan everything.
I love making plans, writing mealplans and calculating everything.
well I think I'll have to sleep now.
good night or good morning to you, wherever you are right now.

Mittwoch, 10. März 2010

Ugh, I'm feeling really bad today. Woke up with a headache and had a huge breakfast. I'm so mad right now. Having breakfast with my roommate is definitly not a good idea. I'm sick of food, I'm sooo sick of beeing fat. Ther anger I'm feeling right now is wanting me to b&p really bad.
Mad, mad, mad - aargh!
I need to fast while my roommate is away. I want to do a juice fast, but I need to buy a juicer first.
F*ing juicers are so expensive and I have a tight budget.
But I think I can maybe find a cheap one somewhere.

I hope roommate will be gone soon for a few weeks, roommates can be quite disturbing sometimes.
But she is really nice, so I'm feeling a little bad for wanting her to go soon.

Well aside of that I have to work a hole lot for university.
See you soon

ps. blair thank you for your comment on my last post, it is great that you love coffee as much as I do.
I also love cinnamon. Yay for coffee :)

Montag, 8. März 2010

arabic coffee

I discovered something unbelivably delicious: espresso (thats how this specific coffee is called here in germany) with cardamom. Sooo good. I have an italian coffee maker and I put some cardamom in there with the espresso powder. The hole kitchen smelled so good while the coffee was heating. I can't stop drinking it. If you drink it dark without any milk and such it tastes a little lemonlike and if you put some milk in there (like I do) it tastes different again.
You have to try it, if you like coffee.
You won't be disappointed i think.
I'll write some more later, back to work for now.

Sonntag, 7. März 2010

sunday, March 7th

hello my lovely ladies,

just an update on my life and how I'm doing.
I have struggled to keep my food down this week, especially with having a lot of people around, dinners with friends (who the hell ever thought inventing an "all you can eat"-restaurant was a good idea ?!?) and meals with my new roommate and her boyfriend. It is so hard to be social and not staying at home all day. Regarding my eating I really want to isolate myself as much as possible. But regarding my depression I need to be around people and out of my room.
I feel like I lost weight (haven't stepped on the scale yet and I'm not going to until I feel like I lost some more weight), but it is a slow process.
Tonight I'm going out to the movies, watching a swedish crime thriller and I'm excited to go. No popcorn for me though, just water.
Tomorrow will be back to normal, working for the whole day in my room (I'm even thinking about going to the library to work there). I'm planning to have coffe in the morning, then having a little fruit and veg all day and having dinner with my roommate: shrimps and veggies + salad. Or salmon and salad. We'll see.
Not more then 800 calories, period.
And I'm gonna work out in the morning, starting the 30 Day Shred dvd again.
30 days, every day, that's my goal.

I hope everybody is doing great,
I'll update hopefully soon.

Montag, 1. März 2010

monday, march 1st

food intake:

coffee 48 cal
orange juice 109 cal
kiwi 37 cal
rice and veggies 358 cal
white whine 320 cal
(total: 782 cal)

I am getting drunk all by myself, finally alone in my apartment. I'm having the worst day today, at least I did well with eating. I am in a funk and I don't know how to get out of it. Maybe blogging helps a little. I am just so mad today. I am crying and asking myself why I am even alive. I get absolutely nothing done, it is so awful. I am so dissapointed in myself in general. Getting drunk is the only thing I feel like doing. And listening to this song I mentioned in my last post, over and over again. I already know the lyrics by heart.
Beeing alone is leaving so much space for all my emotions to release. I don't know if it i a good or a bad thing. I wish I had a much more interesting life.

I was wondering, has anybody of you a journal/book with pictures and inspirational things to collect? I have a journal, but i wish I had a printer at home so I could print pictures and stuff. But I don't use my journal that often anymore, i more likely write stuff on here.

Anyways, i have to work out tomorrow! I didn't do it today.

Sometimes I think I might be an alkoholic, not that I crave to drink all the time but I like to drink when I'm alone. I don't like to drink in public so much, because I feel easily embarrased when I'm drunk.

However I hope y'all had a good day.
I'm just gonna lay down and watch some stupid tv, I think.

Sonntag, 28. Februar 2010

my new inspiration - cassie from skins

I recently dicovered the TV show Skins. I know it's already "old" and they are up to their 4th season, but I did a marathon on watching the first and second season within 3 days. And oh my gosh I am totally in love with Cassie. And there is this song I am listenig to 24/7: This is my city , it is so beautiful. I can't get it out of my head.

Since tomorrow is March 1st, I am longing for a fresh start. My roommate is moving out tomorrow and my new roommate is staying at her boyfriends until eastern, she will be here just for a few days next week. So this means I have nobody watching my food intake, nobody wanting to cook dinner with me, nobody judging my emty fridge shelf. yay!!

I plan to work out every morning, doing the dvd by Jillian Micheals "30 Day Shred" (someone wanting to join me?).
My calorie intake will be limited to 800 per day.
And I planned to to lots of decluttering around my apartment
I have to get rid of a lot of junk and trash. I've been wanting to do this for ages.
Plus I have to study a lot.
I think it is the perfect plan to keep myself buisy and away from food.

I am praying that I'll stick to my resolutions and not messing up by b&p..
I think I just have to believe in myself that I can do this.
If I am negative about it or unsure already in the beginning I am clearly not going to stick to it.

I really hope I am back blogging for a while now.

Anyhow, I whish you all the best my lovely readers.

Freitag, 26. Februar 2010


I want to be thin

I want to be organized

I want to work hard

I want to be loved by someone

I want to be pretty

I want to be strong

I want to forget my past

I want to be free

Dienstag, 2. Februar 2010

tuesday, 22:28 PM

days gone without purging: 3
Day 3 on the 30 Day Shred

food intake today:
bf: coffee/milk 73 cal
l: wasa cracker 41 cal
low fat cream cheese 30 cal
d: salad + vinaigrette 117 cal
poached egg 84 cal
whole wheat toast 68 cal
low fat yogurt 158
(= 571 cal)

hey girls,
I'm in such a good mood today, listening to this: Pixie Lott - Mama Do
I'm still sticking to my exercise and my eating was much better today.
Yesterday evening I had a small binge on chocolate cake (leftovers from my roommate aaarg!!! it was 250 cal).
I don't know what it is, but the evenings are always so hard.
Throughout the day everything is just fine and then in the evening the cravings kick in.
So I decided to work my way through to having breakfast in the morning. I read that having breakfast should help, I'm not sure but I'll give it a go. Oh and I also read that if you eat breakfast the body burns more calories throughout the day, not sure if that's true either.
So far I have no cravings tonight. But we'll see the next days.
But I feel after today I'm finally back on track with my eating. Maybe it took the last 3 days of overeating a little, to finally get there.
so thats it for today..

Montag, 1. Februar 2010

Monday, 12:23

Days gone without purging: 2

Day 2 on the 30 Day Shred

yesterdays intake:

coffee/milk 99 cal
cherry yogurt 158 cal
1 slice whole wheat toast 134 cal
1 tsp horseradish 6 cal
1 small slice smoked salmon 51 cal

couscous and veggies, shrimps 426 cal

(982 cal altogether)

intake today so far:

I did the work out this morning and it was good but exhausting. My legs were shaking when I took my shower, it's a good feeling because I know I challenged myself and worked hard.
I am not satisfied with my eating though. I had a regular dinner with my roommate and her boyfried yesterday and even if we had a rather healthy meal i felt stuffed afterwards and I wanted to purge really bad. But I'm glad I didn't.
I hope the exercise is paying off real soon and I will se my weight drop down.
Oh I forgot I had ginger tea yesterday and it was really good.

Here is the recipe:
I took approx. a 2-inch piece of freh ginger root and 4 cups of boiling water. I peeled the root and sliced it into thin sclices. Then I took half an apple, peeled it (if you have an organic one you can skip that step) and again sliced it into small pieces. I gave everything into a tea pot (also the boiling water) and left it to draw for 10 minutes.

This tea is perfect for winter. Its spicy and a little sweet. And it's supposed to help with weight loss.
Wohoo ginger.. :)

I'm off to studying..

Sonntag, 31. Januar 2010

Sunday, 13:16 PM

Days gone without purging: 1

Weight: 181 ( ... I'm speechless..gained all the weight back plus more..)

Intake so far:

Orange juice 108 cal

Besides the shocking results on the scale (what did I expected, eating like a pig for three weeks ?!)
I'm having a good day so far.
I purchased an exercise dvd called "30 Day Shred" by Jillian Michaels back 3 weeks ago. I did the routine for 2 days but then I had to stop due to my hospital inscident.
Today I started again and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. The first time I did it I was nearly passing out. The great thing is, that it is just a twenty minute work out, which I can get through even if its hard. I'm planning on doing this for at least 30 days.

Does someone have the dvd? It would be great if someone would join me and we could do this together.

All in all I'm gonna focus on doing exercise and eating restricted, but maybe more than I normally would (we'll see how that goes) because I really really really (!!) do not want to binge and purge anymore.

Thank you so much for your support and advice Behind the Fat. I am gonna try hard to get away from mia.
Hopefully I will succeed.

thin.thin.thin. I really want to be thin.

Samstag, 30. Januar 2010

I was crumbling in the dark

I am back..well kind of.
It's been 3 weeks I haven't blogged.

Recent events were: I broke my fast as planned. I binged the next day as not planned. I was hospitalized as definitely not planned. I came back from the hospital after staying there for one night and my parents forced me to stay with them - worst case scenario.

I lost control over everything.

Due to fasting and binging afterwards I got really really sick and the doctor at the hospital asked me if I had an eating problem, which was very embarassing. Thank god he didn't tell my parents. I denied, but he told me he was very concerned about the condition of my gullet.
I was shocked at first but I don't know really what to think about it.

I think I need to give up purging for good.
It is destroying me, and this is not what I wanted.
I just don't see how I am not gonna binge, without purging it is going to be really difficult.
I just want to lose weight and be thin.

I was crying so much for the last weeks. I feel like there is no way out. I am so confused about everything and I don't really know where to go from here. I was eating everything my parents gave me and I think I gained tons of weight.

Now I am back in my appartment and my goal is still the same.

I want to be thin. Tiny. Gorgeous. Loveable. Graceful.

Not that monster that I see when I look in the mirror.

I want to reach my goals, fight the temptations.

But why do I feel so powerless? Depression is making me lethargic.

I am back to zero - on the ground. Alone in the dark. I have to inflame the lights of hope again, one by one.
I have to bring back all the images, that will fill that empty space. I have to spin a net of what I want my life to be. If I jump I will fly high. I am not gonna fall again.

I want my food intake to be restricted and simple. A few things, everything in order.
Cranberry juice. A few drops in my water bottle.
Tea in my favorite teacup while studying.
Apple slices for lunch. Soup for dinner. Using only my small blue bowl.
No more complicated meal plans.
Simple rules that will simplify my life.
The same exercise routine everyday.

I am still sitting here in my dark room, but there is already a little light rising.
I'm gonna stay and I'm gonna work my way back up slowly. I am gonna be more careful this time, more thoughtful.
This is all mine, noone will disturb me in my little world.
But you, my dear readers I'm going to allow a glimpse.

Samstag, 9. Januar 2010

Update on my fast and everything..

Hey guys,
I am back with an update.
I am still sticking to my fast, even though I have a bit of circulation problems due to my low blood pressure.

I attended the birthday party two days ago and succeeded to not eat and have no alkohol ( i told my friends i took medication that day and would't be allowed to drink). I could't stay long, i felt sort of tired that evening and a little dizzy. The guy I told you about in my last post was there. We actually left the party together. We were heading in the same direction, which left us like twenty minutes of chatting before seperating in different directions. He is really nice and funny and we had an interesting and fun conversation. I couldn't tell if he was flirting (he was flirting with me before in classes), but it was a little sad. I just didn't feel that there was any chemistry there, it was more of a friendly vibe. In the end he gave me a hug. And it you know when sometimes people hug you just a second too long? Well he was doing that but then saying something like: "Well, I guess I see you around." (and we don't see each other at university anymore) and then I said something really stupid: "yeah well maybe but maybe not". And that was it. Stupid!
I was sort of angry at myself for not asking him for his number or anything, but the chemistry thing really confused me. And it leaves me wondering if maybe I am not really that attracted to him.

But on to other things.

I am on day 8 with my juice fast. Only two more days.
So I am starting to think about what to eat after my fast and i was thinking about a "safe food" list.

So this is what I came up with:

  • greens - lettuce, spinach, rocket etc.
  • sprouts
  • tomato and cucumber, bell pepper, carrots..basicly all kinds of veggies
  • fruits - apples, oranges, all kinds of berries, grapes, melons, cherries, bananas..etc.
  • veggie burger patties (homemade)
  • eggs (poached, boiled, baked or as an omlette)
  • fish - salmon, cod, trout, tuna, herring and seafood
  • all kinds of beans in little portions
  • soups
  • homemade hummus
  • homemade salsa and guacamole
  • wasa cracker and low cal bread
  • low fat cheese
  • low fat yoghurt
  • agave as a sweetener (low cal and low glycemic index)
as you may noticed there is no meat included aside from fish and eggs. I want to try that for a little while and see how it goes. And I want to try to eat as much organic as I can.
My calorie restriction is going to be 800 a day.
I basicly want to eat more helthy but still not too much.
I want to focus on eating mostly raw fruits and veggies.
What do you think?

take care lovelies.


Mittwoch, 6. Januar 2010

Day #4 and #5

Hey girlies,
how are ya?
I am totally estatic, even though I have to attent to a birthday party of a friend tomorrow night.
I don't know, i feel like I'm high or something and I can assure you I didn't take anything, nether smoked nor did anyone put something in my drink :)
After feeling completly shitty yesterday, today was just an awsome day.
Nothing special even happened. I am just in a good mood.
I going on the scale tomorrow mornig and I hope I lost another few pounds. It feels like I did but we'll see.
Maybe there will be a guy that I like at the party tomorrow. I don't know, thinking about it makes me really nervous. I'd be happy if he would be there, I really would like to talk to him and get to know him better. He seems like a really nice and genuine guy, who treats women with respect (I did meet enough of the opposite in the past). But I frankly don't think he'll like me, because I am so fat still and I just feel so monstrous besindes my thin friends. I feel like I am never gonna find a guy who I like and who likes me back. I seem to attract only men who are disgusting and assholes (I'm sorry for my bad language). I am in a bad mood again..why did I started to think about that..why?!?
Positive..think positive sila!
phhh..okay, I'm taking a deep breath...
sorry I am an idiot..
who is going to read my stupid ramblings?
okay I gonna end this pointless post.
I hope you guys are doing good, forgive me my moodiness.

Montag, 4. Januar 2010

Day #2 and #3

My fast goes well, I am really surprised how it becomes more and more easy.
Just my digestion is a little off, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, that never happend before.
My hunger disappears more and more.
I stepped on the scale this morning and lost 4 pounds. On new years I weighed 170 again, so I am down to 166 pounds, thank god.
I am very excited to see how much more I am going to lose.
It is so cold outside but I forced myself to go for a walk for an hour yesterday and today. It is so icy outside, to go for a run would be suicidal. I do what I can.
I love the feeling of coming home from a long walk in the snow, when my legs are nearly frozen and I cuddle up on my sofa with a book and a hot cup of tea.
Tomorrow university starts again. I am not too exited though.  We'll see how it goes.
I rearranged the furniture in my room today. I think I am addicted doing that. I have to do it like every 3 to 4 month. Anybody else there who's crazy like me?
I moved my bed to one corner of my room, and I really like it, it is kind of more cozy like that. But I am in constant frustration with my desk, I still need to find the optimal place for it. Right now I have it right befor my window and I like looking outside, but I have my back to the door and it makes me feel a little uncomfortable while sitting there.
I'm sorry I'm rambling.
Ladys have a good night, I am going to bed now, because it is almost midnight where I live.

Samstag, 2. Januar 2010

Day #1 of my 10-day juice fast

Ugh there are so many people in my appartment right now, because my roommate has so many friends to visit. I seriously don't know how they all sleep in her tiny little room all together.
They'll be gone by tomorrow, thank god.
So my first official day of my fast went okay. I had a glass of orange juice in the morning (97 cal) and just finished a glass of tomato juice (40 cal), so that's a total of 137 calories.
I feel a little sick right now after the tomato juice..don't know why.
But I am very glad I had no slip ups. My roommate filled our fridge with fatty foods and alcohol. But I am not going to eat it!
She bought a gorgeous cake with cherries and vanilla fudge, i didn't touch a piece of it. And did I mention all the sweets and snacks laying around? I was avoiding the kitchen as much as I could today.
I stumbled over a picture of my body today, that I shot this summer. That gave me a lot of motivation to stick to my fast. I never want to go back there.
I had huge binges back then, I ate like 3000 cal in one sitting. And now, over the holidays I was full after eating half a sandwich. My stomach wouldn't be able to even carry such huge amounts of food, which I am very thankful for. Ugh I'm getting sick by thinking about it.

Well I think i have nothing else to talk about for today..
I hope you are all doing alright.
Take care,


Freitag, 1. Januar 2010

2010 Happy new year!

My new years eve was rather horrible.

I felt so out of place.

And I had to eat fatty food.
I prentendet to have stomach cramps, but still I ate some cheese and potato and veggies. Mostly veggies though. I think I had about 400 cal. In the morning I had half a piece of bread and a banana. Not too bad all in all. Ugh but the cheese..

Today I went back to my appartment.
When I came home, I felt relieved but I am still in a depressed kind of mood. I should be excited about the new year, right? About my fresh start, about working hard to reach my skinny dreams. But still I am depressed. I wanted to start my fast today, but stupid me - I found some leftover christmas chocolate. And guess what. Stupid fat girl broke the fast and ate the chocolate. This is not who I want to be.

I have to take responsibility.
I have to be the best I can be.
I want that beautiful thin body.
I want people to look at me and think how beatiful I am, how fragile and exeptionell.
I want to be that starving artist.
I want to be that delicate dancer.
I want to be a living art piece.
I want to be lovable.

Focus on the positive, focus on the positive.. I am trying to make that my mantra.

Here is a list of my new years resolutions.
By the end of this year I want to accomplish:

* reaching my goal weight of 120 lbs

* running regulary or doing another sport (swimming, dancing...)

* finishing my bachelor degree and figuring out what I wanna do afterwards

* finding a boyfriend

* concentrate on real friendships

* changing my lifestyle in beeing more active and productive

*overcoming my depression and anxiety attacks

yes, I think that is pretty much it. I am not sure how to accomplish the last one, maybe I have to look into some kind of treatment.

I'm gonna fast tomorrow. Just water and juice (limited to 200 cal a day).
I have to move on from my chocolate binge.
I hope y'all support me with my fast.

And happy new years everybody!
I whish you all the best, an amazing year of weight loss and accomplishing our dreams!
And also thank you all my followers for beeing there and reading my blog.
You have no idea how much it means to me that you are there.
Thank you so much!