Samstag, 31. Oktober 2009

drunk saturday night rambling

First of all, I'm writing this blogpost not having all my senses together, so thank you in atvantage for ignoring eventual misspelling and beeing all over the place.
I've been relieving my pain with some hardcore plum brandy (moonshine a serbian friend gave to me). I feel f'ing delirious right now, but that's what I was going for.
I hate my life. I hate the emptyness.
I'm trying to convince myself that there are people who care for me but I feel really lonely right now. It is not that I am lonely, but I feel somehow lost in this world. I feel like a observer who always stands in the corner emty-handed while everyone else is sipping champagne.
I have no boyfriend, I never truely had one. I never had a relationship. I don't know what it feels like when someone you're in love with loves you back.
I feel worthless, worthless of love and happyness.
I only had bad experiences with men. I've been letting myself be treated lik sh*t. I've been promiscuous. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting..
I wanna binge right now so badly.
Stuff myself with food. But my new roommate (who moved in two days ago btw) might notice, so I'm trying to keep myself from binging. But there is a fast food rastaurant just around the corner from where I live, so I might be ending up going there, drunk as hell. Spending my last money on a bunch of shitty greasy food, disgusting!
I'm sorry for the whining. I hate myself for letting myself go. For beeing so will-less, for beeing so out of control..
Maybe I am an alkoholic in addition to my ED. Idk..
Maybe I'm gonna go sleep right now, but I'm not tired yet. I want to finish the bottle of liquor first.
Reality is too much for me right now..

Mittwoch, 28. Oktober 2009

meal plan

after a lot of research, ich came up with this meal plan:
(I'm starting tomorrow, thursday october 29th btw)

breakfast: 1 egg OR low fat ham/cheese, vegetables of choice, 1 cup of coffee
snack: 10 almonds
lunch: 1 egg OR low fat ham/cheese, vegetables of choice
snack:  1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese
dinner: 1 chickenbreast or turkey, salad with balsamic vinaigrette

This a approximately under 800 calories, depending on the choices I make with the vegetables and portion sizes.
But I limit my intake to 800 cal. a day.
I'm also allowed to have sugar-free gums/hard candy. But because I'm eating 5 times a day, I won't binge on them, I suppose.
I hope eating so often will keep me from binging in general. As you may know I'm mostly a binge eater/bulimic. If you are anorexic and reading this, you might think "oh my god, eating 5 times a day is a lot" and yes I think too that it is a lot, but I hope it is the right strategy to keep me from binging.
So tell me what you think, I hope I'll be successful with this plan and lose the weight a little quicker.
Take care my lovely readers,

Dienstag, 27. Oktober 2009

long overdue update

I'm really sorry for my long absence.
I've had a buisy week but finally I have some time to blog.
Last week I lost 2 pounds and this week another one. I reached my first goal, which is so exciting!
I still have a long way to go and I am more determined than ever. I think I could have lost more, if I hadn't had bad days throughout the week. I really need to be more consistent and then I'll lose the weight a little quicker I guess.
I've been doing a lot of exercise lately, which is good. I feel my muscles aching and I love it.
I'm thinking about starting the South beach diet, which is basicly cancelling carbs and sugar from your diet and eating low-fat protein and veggies. I'm not sure yet, but I think that maybe I could lose the weight more quickly. I'll have to do a little more research, because I don't own the book. But I think it is doable, there are a lot of informations online.

Well that's it, I'll keep you updated on my progress.
Have a good day everybody!


Freitag, 16. Oktober 2009

rainy days

hey girls (and boys, if there are any, I don't want to exclude you)
I've been doing okay the last two days. I haven't stepped on the scale, I decided to weigh myself just once a week. So monday is my weigh-in day. I'm a bit scared to be honest. I'm hoping for a lower number but I'm not sure if I will get to see it. But still I have two days left to work my butt off, control my eating and lose some weight! I planned to work out saturday and sunday and I'm really hoping it will show.
I'm sorry that this is just a short update. I'm really tired I hardly can keep my eyes open. I'm already in bed with my notebook on my knees.
Stay strong you guys,

Dienstag, 13. Oktober 2009

binge monster

ugh I'm such an idiot!
Everything went fine until I came home and ate.
First of all why did I eat?!?
I had my tea in the morning and a little clementine, which was absolutely okay.
Somehow my brain stopped working when I walked into my kitchen today and I had a huge bowl of rice with sweet&sour sauce (chinese stuff my ex-roommate left in my fridge, why the hell didn't I already throw it away?), thinking of it still makes me wanna throw up.
I seariously need to get myself together and be serious about my goals. Because this is f'ing not gonna bring me closer to my goals.
I just want the day to be over.
I have to find a way to get rid of all the calories I ate.
I think I'm not gonna eat anything tomorrow. I'll fast and allow myself to have just water and tea.
I'm not gonna allow food to control me.

take care all my readers, I hope your doing better than me.

Sonntag, 11. Oktober 2009

back from vacation

hey guys,
i survived my vacations and  i actually enjoyed them. I came around eating a few times by telling my friend i had stomach aches. And we walked a lot, which was great. I actually lost a few pounds.
Back to my appartment i feel a little depressed. The weather is shitty it is f*ing cold here in Germany. My appartment is on the first floor so there is not that much light coming through my windows even though i have pretty big windows. But when it's cloudy and rainy i have to turn on the lights very often throughout the day. What I hate the most, is that the weather is so depressing. I'm sorry I'm complaining so much :( don't take it too seriously, I am a drama queen.
Eating wise I decided to try a more balanced diet, even though I'm not eating that much, I eat mostly crappy foods, which is baaad.

So this is my new plan:

- giving up coffee and milk in the morning for black tea

- keeping my calories under 800 a day

- eating steamed vegetables or salad for dinner instead of crappy snacks

- eating at least 2 fruits a day

- drinking 3 liters of water a day

- doing yoga everyday in the morning or evening, for stress-release

- cardio 3 times a week for 20 minutes to begin with

My classes are starting again on monday, so this is a great time for starting with a new plan. I love having classes, because when I'm at university I'm so occupied that i forget eating. I just have to stay away from the sweets at the cafés (there are plenty of them, and one has homemade cake - to die for! *sighn*) but I think I can manage that. I'm gonna take my waterbottle and my thermos bottle filled with tea and thats it!
So I hope you're all doing well.
Thank you so much for your sweet comments on my last post.
Take care xxx

Donnerstag, 1. Oktober 2009

depressed and binging

I'm sorry, I haven't had the time to update. My eating was crazy the last week, i'm really ashamed. When I'm at home and I have everything under conrol, only healthy food in my fridge and my appartment organized, everything goes well. I keep my calories in check and do my exercise. But (and there comes the big but (and maybe also the big butt *lol*)) when I get depressed my appartment is a mess (like right now), I feel the urge to binge (like the past days) and I am totally out of control. I don't want to face the scale right now, I feel like an idiot, because I am not capable of keeping my emotions under control.
I want to be thin so bad!!!
And what do I do??!?
I'm trying really hard to get out of my binge mode. I really need to clean my apartment and get myself together. I have so much things to do, I'm going on a week-end trip in two days and I need to do some laundry. I so depressed, I don't even want to go on vacation right now. I'll have to eat there, and I know it's going to be hard not to binge. I'm going with a friend who had an eating disorder once, and I can't make her suspicious in any way. I have to pretend that I'm completely normal. Well, I have to get through this. Right now I'm in such a bad mood..