Mittwoch, 17. März 2010

breakdown and confusion

Hello lovelies,
I am in a bit of a rollercoaster ride these days. I've been bingeing and rectricting and bingeing and purging and restricting..i've lost grip and right know i don't know how to get out of this. I've had a long conversation with one of my best friends on the phone yesterday and I started to break down in tears because I could't take it anymore. I told her a little bit of my situation and she was very concerned, telling me I should see a therapist. Now I regret that a little bit that I told her about my issues, but it also felt good to talk to someone. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't feel that I am sick enough to see someone about this. I am still at this ridiculous high weight (173lbs, I weighed myself on monday) and I am not even entirely convinced that I have an eating disorder. Sure what I'm going through is not normal, but I don't know...
It is all a big mess in my head, i can not concentrate, i can not work i can't do anything. Plus I have to pretend that everything is normal, that I am normal in front of my roommate.
I was thinking, maybe I should up my calories, which maybe is preventing me from bingeing, idk..
I can't think clearly right know, i think i'm gonna do some yoga right know to calm myself down and clear my head. I'll talk to you soon and update on my eating plans.

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