Freitag, 20. Mai 2011

getting myself together

After yoga and a long meditation this morning I started to feel a little better.
I think, there are a lot of things going on emotionally with me that I am not as concious about as I thought.
I am in a difficult situation with my "best (and only) friend" right now, who basicly told me that I am a horrible person. Since then we are tiptoeing around each other. I act like it never happened, she is probably waiting for a reaction on my part, not sure what to expect from me. I am still hurt and unsure how to fix the situation.
Plus I am under a lot of pressure with university. I basicly have to work my ass off to meet my expectations and graduate this summer. I have to juggle my part time job as well, as I am basicly providing for myself on my own.
Everything in my life right now feels overwhelming. I am looking for the "pause-button" to take a deep breath and reload my energy.
Maybe I should give myself a week-end off, just to really figure things out and what I want in life.
It might be a good idea to reconnect with myself, to find out what my goals are and where I want to go in the future.
I felt so confused in the last few weeks and maybe a few days off will give me the opportunity to refocus.
If I am not sure of what I want how am I going to achieve anything, right?

thank you very much for your kind words. It means a lot to me that you took time to leave me your inside on things. A lot of the things that you said really hit home and made me realize that I am indeed in charge of my life. Starting to believe in myself is probably the most needed lesson I need to learn.
It does help very much to know that there are people out there who understand, it makes me feel a little less crazy :)
Thank you very much again,

Donnerstag, 19. Mai 2011

sober but hungover

I have this urge to drink today. I mean what on earth am I thinking. It is not good. Alcohol is not good for me period!
I know in which gloomy valleys it will end. It is not fun, although it entertaines and amuses me for a flew moment.
I am not only concerned about my weight gain, but also for my overall health.
AA meeting coming?

I don't feel sick enough. I somehow feel a certain comfort in this prison of food, depression and addiction.
But the truth is: This can not go on forever.
And I know it.

I often feel like I am living a double life. There is this dark side, I can't tell anybody about.
But it is hard to keep up faking my "all is perfect and fun" -  life for my family and friends.
I mean the secrecy is probably protecting my addiction.
Some parts in me feel like I can't just do it anymore. Like I want to get out. Tell the truth.
Some parts in me just want to forget, not take it seriously, not face my issues.
But they are still there, screaming in my face.

Maybe I am not worth beeing thin.
This sentence is echoing in my head, dominating my thought.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I can not accept this.
I am trying to fight this, but I feel powerless.
I don't want to give into my food addiction, I don't want to start purging again.

If anyone is still reading and can somehow relate to this mess of thoughts and feelings I would be very happy for some advice or prayers or anything.
I don't want to ask anything from you, but I think it yould help me very much just to read that someone can relate or understand my situation.
Thank you very much for your time.

Mittwoch, 18. Mai 2011

binge drinking and binge eating - story of my life

I am not very well at the moment.
Even though I am meditating and praying and doing a lot of yoga. It seems like it is not working.
Sometimes I feel like my lonelyness is killing me.
I am drinking too much. It starts of with "ah, I am gonna have a glass of whine to calm down." and then I drink the whole bottle. And then I start to eat. I eat and eat and eat. Can't stop. Eat more.
It is a f*ing vicious cycle.
I've been so good during the day. Haven't eaten much and what I ate was healthy.
Now I ruined it. Again.
I am never going to be thin, because I can not get my act together.

I am not sure how this is gonna stop.

I am going to sleep now. I am tired.

Samstag, 7. Mai 2011


I'm really grumpy today. It is such a nice weather out today, but I am still laying in bed at 2 PM ...aaarg!!
I feel sick, I am dehydrated but my legs won't move.
I don't know if I lost weight in the last few days, because I feel bloated, I think I'm having PMS but it is way to early! I do feel a slight pain in my lower belly, I don't know..
I've been doing okay food wise, but I am always thinking I can do better, eat less.
I am not stepping on the scale though, I am too scared I could be dissapointed. Just a few more days.

Here is my food plan by the way:

bf: 1 apple and coffee

l: green salad, cucumber and tomato w/ balsamic vinegrette, 3 tbsp cottage cheese

d: tiny portion of brown rice, veggies in vegetable broth

that sums up to about 500 calories.
This is me trying to eat healthy but still low calorie, what do you think?

I whish you a wonderful and succesful day.

Montag, 2. Mai 2011

Hiding from my issues

Hello readers,

I've not been updating because I was doing so terrible lately.
My vacation to Amsterdam was good and bad. I was travelling with a group of friend that I didn't know much besides one of them. And I had a problem with her during that time or rather she was ignoring me the hole time, which wasn't a nice feeling. Afterwards she was confronting me with a lot of things that she was criticising about me. Wasn't a nice feeling either, I felt very betrayed. If you hate me that much why are you my friend then?!? I don't know where this leaves our friendship, we haven't had much contact lately. But I'm rambling.
I am back from my parent's house since yesterday where I spent the easter hollidays. I am back in my dark little cave, where I am not doing much besides laying on the sofa and crying. I am back in my depressed little world. I feel very stuck..
After a week of my family around me I am back to my quiet loney life.
I feel lost again. At the beginning of a crossroad without knowing where to go. Which road to choose. Climbing back into my dark cave, a tomb where my mind is confined.
I am hating this. I hate to be depressed but I can't get myself out of here.
I am planning to fast again.
I'll clean out my fridge today. I need to buy water though.
I am gonna start tomorrow by doing a rice day.
I'll keep you posted.