Dienstag, 28. September 2010

Dear little monster..

Since last week autumn has arrived with days filled of pouring rain and cloudy darkness.
Depression is taking over again, like clockwork orange.
I lost 11 lbs since the last time I wrote a post.
But I can't bring myself to be happy about it. Since yesterday I have binge eaten and there is still hunger for more. There is a little monster inside of me who never stops.. never stops to feel hungry, never stops to feel unsatisfied. I am not hungry for more food. Food is bland and tasteless. I am hungry for life. But scared at the same time.
I was noticing my body dysmorphia today. I guess it is not as deep developed as I can distinguish between the image of how I think my body looks in my head, and how my body looks in reality. I always always think that I am much more fatter than I am. In my head I think I look like an obese person. And I am not, i don't have a BMI of 30 or more. But I feel like it. I am in the normal weight range but I can't wrap my head around it.
I am scared of this. Why can't I feel just normal?

I don't know how to get rid of my inner obese monster, always hungry, never satisfied.

Dear little monster, please shut up.
Let me live my life.
Let me lose my fears, lose my hunger, lose my sadness.

I just remebered the lines that I wrote in the description box, about sailing to and Island on a starving boat.
Little monster I want to leave you behind and drown you in the water.

I want to sail now.
There is a deep longing for escape.
Escape out of the life I created for myself.

I'm tired now I have to leave I have to sleep..
I am begging you little monster to loosen your claws.
At least for tonight.

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