Donnerstag, 14. Oktober 2010

Success I like your sweet taste

I successfully finished my first day yesterday!
I stayed in my calorie range, even though the evening was a little hard, because I was really hungry by 7 o'clock, i felt like eating all my low fat yogurts that i bought earlier that day. But I did't. yay!

I woke up this morning, not hungry at all (mornings are the bests aren't they?) in a really good mood, then talked with my mom on the phone. I really enjoyed talking to my mom, but she starts to go on my nerves when she calls me to often. I am having a job interview this afternoon although I don't know if I want to do the job. But I'll see what the women has to say and what kind of tasks she is expecting me to do. I bet they pay really badly and expect me to do a lot. I'd like a job, that is a little more calm. But I keep looking, I don't have to take it right away right?

Okay so I am off to do some cleaning in my appartment.
The safe food list is still to come, I don't have the time right now to type it up.
But I'm gonna do that maybe later in the day.

yay I don't know I am just happy today, everything is in order.
Maybe I even succeed in eating less calories than yesterday..

hope you have a good day.

Dienstag, 12. Oktober 2010

Time to start over

After laying in bed for the whole day, drowning in self-pitty I decided to put and end to this dramatic behaviour of mine.
I've had enough!
Of my excuses over excuses. Of my whining and bitching, of my self isolation and lazyness but most of my fears!
I am scared. I have to face it. Depression is comfort, my bed is comfort and food is comfort.
No more, no more.

I want to do things, accomplish something in my life.

I want to succeed in beeing a student, I want to succeed at finding a job, I want to be thin, I want to be more athletic.
I want to have my cake and eat it too (not in that literal sense, but wou know what I mean).
I want to have it all.

And I have to work for it. From nothing comes nothing. I can not stay in bed and wait for a miracle to happen. It is never going to happen and all I'll be doing is wait.

So I set out a plan:

I have my goal, I know where I want to go.
But, in order for me to succeed I'll have to take it slow (not super slow, but I won't be able to fast right away). I am going to restrict my calorie intake more and more, starting at 1200.

I've made a safe food list which I am going to stick most of my time. If I am in a social situation, I am going to allow myself a tiny little portion of whatever. That way I am not going to feel restricted and binge later.
If I feel that I am in danger of bingeing, I am going to allow myself a tiny portion of whatever I am craving as well.
I really hope that this strategy will work for me and keep me from bingeing!

I'll have to come up with a work out plan as well but I haven't yet.

I think I really need a fresh start. I am going to declutter my hole bedroom and the kitchen as well, to make it really official.

so, I have lots to do as you see..
I am gonna check in tomorrow and let you know of my progress.
Maybe I'll type up my safe food list as well if you're interested.

xoxo stay strong & carpe diem!

i lost my life

Had a binge yesterday night.
My roommate was sleeping and i got up to make pasta.
I hate myself very much right now, I can not bear to get out of bed.
I can not bear to open the window curtains.
I want to stay here in the darkness where i feel secure.

I lost my live, I will lose my life, I can not stay in bed all day.
I already did too much damage to my life.
I am a failure.

Donnerstag, 7. Oktober 2010

poem of the night

I am blank.

I am a semi beautiful doll
too fat to be pretty
too honest to be dull.
I want to feel something -
I want to cry out loud.
Pain is relief.
Food is poison.
My bones in a plastic bag.
Tomorrow is yesterday
all over again.