Mittwoch, 26. September 2012

sunny spots on tinted walls

Sunlight is coming through my windows today. I have to say a lot of goodbyes these days. Scary. I am giving up my job to finish university. But I need to do this. Summer is coming to an end and I feel.. not's been to short. The days are getting darker already and I fear my depression will become worse with less sunlight during daytime. Maybe I should take some herbal medication this time around.
I had a shoulder injury for the last days which made it impossible for me to do yoga. I feel heavy and sluggish, even though I didn't gain weight. But my shoulder is getting better and as soon as it's over I am going back to my daily routine.
I am stuck at 168 pounds since the last 3 days. I hope to lose the last 3 pounds until friday so I can check my second goal weight of 165 lbs.!!!

Donnerstag, 20. September 2012

does coffe count as breakfast?

because that's all I am having in the morning. Allthough I am not getting up before noon, I am usually staying in bed the hole morning, my computer on my lap, writing emails, surfing the internet, doing work stuff in my bed. Breakfast is coffee in bed. Or breakfast replaces my lunch, however you want to look at it.

I lost 5 pounds. Thank god. Still not good enough, still fat. Oh shut up, I lost 5 pounds!
A lot more to lose, but I am getting closer.

Samstag, 15. September 2012

I told you long before the sun is coming up

I am not gonna lie, it was hard for the last days not to eat, I've had hunger pains because I was eating so much before. But I know the pain is worth it. And it's gonna pass.

I am not working out at the moment, this is the next step. I have been doing Yoga in the morning, but I want to go running again. It is getting colder outside these days and I think it is going to be nice to run outside or ride my bycicle (I have to fix it before though).

I try to picture the image in my head of myself beeing skinnier and happy. I try to practise positive thinking. Focus my energy on the good in life. Yoga and Meditation is helping with that.

Donnerstag, 13. September 2012

starting point

I weighed myself today. 175lbs. I am very disappointed with myself. I knew the number would be quite high, but i was expecting to be at least 10 pounds lighter. But realizing how much I weigh is making me wanting to get off the weight even more. I know I have a long way ahead of me but I am going take every step of the way.

Here is what I ate so far today:
1 apple and half of a banana  (150)
green salad, 1 tomato, 1 hard boiled egg ( 243)
1 string cheese (50)

tonight I am going out to dinner with a friend (sadly I have to attend the dinner) but I think I can get away with having a vegetable soup or a salad.
I hate that whenever I am restricting, it makes me to not be social, not beeing social makes me depressing and ultimately leads to bingeing. I am trying the best I can. I am still trying to focus on the positive.
I am already feeling lighter. I am drinking lots of water and tea (which is making me go to the toilet like every 5 minutes, but hey I am flushing out the toxins, right?) and I am a tiny little step closer to my goal.

Until next time.

Mittwoch, 12. September 2012

hello again..and this is how i came here

An hour ago I wrote the following post:

"I am here again.
You know why.
I know why.
I want to lose weight again. I've let myself get out of control but I am done with my past and I am looking into my future. Because the future is all I have. All I can control. And control is what I need.
I am alone in my apartment for the whole month of september. My new roommate is moving in in october. I am so happy because this is an opportunity for me to get everything under control. I am going to clean out my fridge and cupboards tomorrow.
Filling it with:
low fat yoghurt
low fat milk
salad greens and low calorie vegetables
frozen fish
frozen vegetables and fruits

and that is it! I am so excited!!
I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning (not excited for that part, I know it is going to be horrible but I need a starting point) and I am going to start a food journal again.
I can't wait to see the weight come off again!"

now I am laying in bed in my fresh bedsheets, freshly showered, my teeth are brushed and next to me is a steaming mug of calming tea. A nice picture. Calm, relaxed. No one would ever think what I have done one hour ago.

But lets rewind a little.

Same day, same time, six month ago. I am laying in my bed and I am loving my life. I think of my exciting new boyfriend that I have just met and I am living together with an awsome roommate. We drink together, we party together a hole lot and we are having the times of our lives. I feel like living in a rush of love, excitement and adventure. My roommate is dragging me along, she is the one filling my life with joy and happiness even when my relationship fails in a messy break up. She is this tiny exuberant person, planning my week-ends for me (and even my weeks), she teaches me how to be fearless and happy.

Fast-forward to the end of september.
My friend is moving out. It wasn't unexpected, she was supposed to, leaving my city to go back to her hometown because of work. And then I realized what a huge gap she left in my life.
I realized my inability to create a life for myself without someone elses help. How sickness and depression are catching me again in these times of loneliness.
I am starting to binge again. I tell myself that I want to stop but I can't.
This evening today was the peek of my relapse.

It started with a bottle of white wine and a package of frozen chinese dumplings. How innocent did it all look. And then it found it's way into my mouth. I started to feel really sick but kept eating. I wanted to fill the emptiness that I was feeling inside. But food never fills it. The hole disaster ended with me, crying while throwing up in my bathroom, something I haven't done for a long time.
And i regret it painfully.
I am 27 years old. Other women of my age have a family and kids that they take care of.
I can't even take care of myself.

But I am done regretting. I have let go of the past in order to move on and create positive things for myself in the future.
Losing weight.
Finishing uni. Getting a real job.
Beeing happy.

That's all for tonight my lovely readers who are hopefully not given up on me yet.
Thank you all for reading.