Donnerstag, 19. August 2010

moderation is somehow the key

Well, it has been a while since my last post. What happened was, I got really sick last week, my mother actually had to come by and pick me up. I stayed at my parents house for the last week and I basicly couldn't eat much, only fruit and soup and some light meals. By the end of the week I stepped on the scale and I lost 5 pounds!!
Yay!!! 5 freakin pounds.. i don't know why I was (or still am) so excited about 5 pounds but anyway..
since then I have been the queen of control. I eat 1000 calories per day and I am losing weight. It is a miracle. Like something clicked inside me. I am not tempted to binge at all. For example tonight: I was at home alone, watching TV and normaly this would be the perfect opportunity for me to binge. I was kind of thinking about it, too. But then I thought to myself: "Eating? Right now? Forget it, don't even think about it. I am not going to do it anyways!" I took a bottle of water instead and that was it. No binge. I feel like I am in control and somehow having a balance. I clearly see how I lost weight on my stomack already. Tomorrow I am going to weigh myself again and hopefully I'll be happy with the results.
I'll let you know soon,

Donnerstag, 5. August 2010

water melon fail & some realizations

First of, I have to confess a few things.
I didn't make it through my planned water melon fast. Let's see, it lastet until 5 pm on monday. Then I got drunk with a friend, later at home alone I binged, on tuesday I binged some more as well as yesterday. I was basicly not eating throughout the day and then bingeing in the evening. This morning I binged again on toast, cheese and pb&j, chocolate milk and buttered corn. Disgusting, I know.
My roommate moved out on monday, so that I had a free pass to binge all day long. I left the curtains closed, filled up my fridge, watched tv shows and movies on my computer and layed in bed all day. I am really sad. My life is pathetic right now. I am that sick depressed girl, who is stuffing her face with food, absolutely disgusting.
But you know what? Only I have responsibilty for my own actions.
Only I can decide what to do with my life.
The last days taught me, that I can no longer live like that. Depressed, fat, eating, letting myself go like this.
I no longer want to be unhappy and fat. I no longer want to be that alone, hiding myself behind closes curtains, letting no sunshine in.
I never had a boyfriend and I am 24 years old. You know why? Because I could not bear anyone touch my huge disgusting body. I have to face it, it is exactly the way my former school students were telling me. Which boy can ever find my body attractive? I am unattractive! Because I have huge legs and hips and arms and my stomach is huge as well. The only thing I like about myself is my small waist. Even though I am overweight, I can feel my rips on my upper body, even though they are not showing, but I am thanking god, that at least my waist is not covered in fat.
If I want to escape this mess, I have to lose weight. There is no other way.
Only I can motivate myself, only I can say no to food.
Only I can control what goes into my body.
Only I can decide whether I want to be thin or not.
Every time I say no to food, I say yes to thin.
The problem is, I am not an anorexic, even though I have small (!) restrictive phases, it is always the same thing: starving and bingeing, starving and bingeing over and over again.
I am not losing weight this way, because my binges are too often and my starving hours too little - I neeed to figure out a way, where I can eat little and not binge.
That means I have to eat more, so I do not feel the need to binge.
I honestly have no idea how I am gonna accomplish that, but I am going to try, I have to.
I am gonna try over and over again.

I'll set myself some rules, which I think are going to help me.

1. Portion control. My stomach needs to get smaller and smaller.
2. Safe food list. I'll have to figure out what I can and can not eat.
3. I can only eat in the kitchen. No more eating in bed, in front of the computer or elsewhere. Food free zone except the kitchen!
4. I'll have to keep myself occupied. I have to be thinking about other things than food. I have to make a list of things I want to accomplish in the next few days.
5. Go for a walk every day. Sitting in my appartment 24/7 is not allowed anymore, even though it feels safe, i need to connect to the outside world every day.
6. Drinking lots of water. At least 2 1/2 liters a day.
7. I'll weigh myself again every day.

I want to come to this point where I am so obsessed with other things (study, sports, reading, organizing my appartment...) that I'll forget to eat.
This is my goal.

If you made it through this huge post, congrats and thank you!
I think ,I kind of had a break through today, but I don't want to be too optimistic.
Thank you again for reading, it really means a lot to me, and every comment you guys leave is always so nice.