Freitag, 30. Juli 2010

good morning ladies

So I haven't eaten at all yesterday, I only had apple juice (meal replacement lol) and tatatataa..i did not binge either. I was tempted, very tempted let's say the least, because stupid me had to watch "what's in a binge" videos on youtube (these vids where girls show what they binge on, obviously bulimic girls). It was a little bit like testing my strength.

But onto other things, I have a trip coming up in october. Until then I want to lose as much weight as possible. I am doing a watermelon fast soon and after that I think I'll stick to my 1000 cal. diet + working out like crazy + working for my term papers like crazy throughout the hole time.

Thats all for today, I'll have to get up and work out right now.

Donnerstag, 29. Juli 2010

confused..and panicking

Since yesterday I was attempting a try of "eating healthy and working out".

I had oats and fruit for breakfast, a healthy pita sandwich for lunch and egg white omlette and spinach salad for dinner. It went okay, also today I worked out in the morning, then had oats and fruit, pita sandwich for lunch.

Now dinner time is arriving and I wanted a baked potato, no butter only a little bit of low fat sour cream. Then I discovered my potatoes went bad. And now I am freaking out, not knowing what to eat, or even if I want to eat. I know that if I don't eat I will binge later.

I am such a loser, like for real.

I am whining about eating, and beeing weak and you all gorgeaus girls are so strong. I swear Bulimia is such a b***. I am too weak to restrict properly and now I am getting a panic attac over bad potatoes.

This is definitely not normal behaviour.

I don't know if I even want to post this, but I guess I'll do it.

I hope you have a better day then me, panic attac free and no bad potatoes involved.

Donnerstag, 22. Juli 2010

this morning I woke up before my alarm clock

The last weeks were very stressful. Last monday I had a breakdown and wanted to kill myself.
Then I was angry at myself for thinking of suicide. I can only speak for myself here, but for me, thinking about suicide is selfish and self centered. I felt very overwhelmed by a lot of things that are going on in my life right now.
But I can not be that selfish and hurt the people who care about me very much.

On another note, my eating habits were pretty much out of control, but I am getting back on track.
Starting to work out again is helping me the most, especially because feeling the pain of my working muscles is kind of replacing the need to fill my stomach until it hurts (not all the time but still..).

I feel like I need a new eating plan. I'm thinking about fruit in the morning and one meal in the afternoon. Maybe a yogurt in between. 1000 calories max. should make it easier for me to not binge.

I am also thinking about going a fruit fast, which I am really excited about. I want to do a watermelon fast, nothing but watermelon and water. Who wants to join me on the watermelon fast? I am thinking about starting next week..