failure..

I failed my chrismas challenge.

If you were wondering why i wasn't updating, that was the reason.
I feel like such a loser.
I stayed at my parents over christmas, and all my family does is eat eat eat..seriously it is gross!
My mother was contantly nagging me about my eating habits, asking if i was on a diet.
I binged on ridiculous high amount of chocolate. I just could't stop myself.

"You are so self centered. No wonder you have no boyfriend.
You are just not likable."

My mothers words stabbing in my heart, even if she said it as a sort of joke.
Chocolate, more chocolate, i have to eat more..

I didn't step on the scale yet, but I am sure I gained a lot. I can see it in the mirror. I can feel it.
I gained so much, I hate myself for beeing so weak.

Today I got in a huge argument with my brother, i was so hurt by his words. He told me I was selfish and never doing anything for him. And he told me basicly that I was fat and deserved to be treated with no respect, because I wouldn't respect him. I cryed for over an hour in the bathroom upstairs, away from my family.

My best friend and almost all of my other friends are out of town.
I have no money to pay for a train ride to go somewhere else.
I am stucked in my hometown and have to stay at my parent's over new years eve. I could cry even more right now. I even thought about staying at my apartment all by myself, watching TV and getting myself drunk with a bottle of champagne tomorrow night.

I just feel alone.

Noone of my friends considered to stay with me.
I seriously hate my life.
I feel like I have no real friends, nobody cares for me.
Why even live?!?

The thing is I have to proof to myself and everybody else that I can do it.
I want to have a fresh start 2010.
I want to start the new year with a fast. I'm thinking maybe a master cleanse or a juice fast, because I have to attend classes next week.
I am planning 10 days of fasting, maybe more. I'll see how it goes.
I'll start January 1st.
This is my first new years resolution.
I'll think about more resolutions.
Stay tuned, I hope you're all gonna celebrate tomorrow night.

xoxo

good news

I've been doing really good so far this week!
I sticked to the 600 calories per day and worked out every day.
I've lost 5 pounds so far which means, I already accomplished my WLgoal for this week.
Yayyy!
I am just so happy right now, even though I messed up last week.
Maybe I can still lose the 14 lbs until chrismas.
I keep my fingers crossed.

xoxo

ps. I am down a pant-size and I can't wait to fit into my old pants from 2 years ago. They are a little too tight still, but I think they'll fit me on chrismas.
This will be my present to myself  :)

update on the previous week aka week one of the chrismas challenge

my lovely ladies,

i dissapointed you..

one pound.. only one pound of weight loss

this is freakin' not good enough!!!

But to start from the beginning..
I had a pretty stressful week, I was very buisy, but not buisy in that kind of way that I wanted to.
University was so stressful, I had to do an assignment together with a group of people I haven't worked with before. It was pure choas and I was so angry with one of them, because he didn't communicate and wanted to do everything on his own. He was so self-centered even the other people noticed. But due to the little time we had, we had to make it work somehow.The professor was satisfied, which was surprising, because I thought we didn't do a good job at all. But well..
Friday and Saturday I had a seminar all day, which was exhausting.

All in all my week was chaotic, I didn't have time to work out and my meal plan was all over the place.

Today though I woke up at 6 am and went for a run. The air was fresh and chilly and it was raining a little, but I was enjoying it so much. My body was basicly screaming for exercise.
I love to go running in the morning, when everybody still is asleep, just the empty streets and me. The fresh morningair. When the birds begin to sing and slowly the sun rises..it's awsome. I feel like I could coquer the world.
After the run I did a session of pilates and then went under the shower.
I'm still in this rush, I feel energized and just... good.
It is this feeling of knowing that I'm moving forwards to my goal.
That I'm doing something.
Now I'm sitting in front of my computer with a bowl of apple- and orange-pieces and a coffee, my breakfast. Later that day I'm going shopping for a coat, I hope I'll find a nice one for winter.
I really hope I'm doing better next week.
I have no classes all week, so it's not such a crazy stressful week as it was last week.

I hope y'all doing good.

xoxo

constant rewind in my head

having breakfast with my dad
he is kind, he asks me what i want to eat
i dont want to eat
i sit with him
force myself to eat a little
for him
we talk - about nothing really -
petty words
i am leaving
i want to hug him
he grabs my arms
forcing them to stay in place
while kissing me on my cheek
he can not bear his own daughter hugging him
making me feel worthless
his kiss on my cheek meant nothing
it was the easy way out
tears are coming up almost the hole time on my way home
i feel embarressed
what have i done?
what have i done..

christmas challenge

I'm sorry i havent posted lately..
since advent is starting next week I decided to start a christmas challenge - for 4 weeks.
My goal is to lose at least 5 lbs every week, 20 lbs alltogether.
My f'ing scale is broken right now, but I'm going to buy a new one on monday.
My plan is to eat 3 little meals each 200 cal max (= 600 cal as the daily limit).
I hope to keep myself from eating by beeing as buisy as possible. I am planning to stay in the library all day, working for my assignments. This is by far my best strategy to keep myself from eating.
I also set up a work out routine, which is going running in the morning for 30 to 40 minutes 3 times a week.
I am going to do yoga also 3 times a week. Additionally I'll do muscle training 4 times a week.
I am really looking forward to just not thinking about food, having my meals planned out for the hole week and losing weight.
Since my scale broke I am going to post my start weight for this christmas challenge on monday.
I'm thinking about buying sugarfree energy drinks (even though i hate the taste of energy drinks), maybe i should stick to diet coke. I am a little worried about my concentration while studying. Any tips or suggestions ladies?
Overall I am trying to do this in an as positive as possible mindset. This is also a good strategy for me to get through this and stick to my plan.
I am just gonna concentrate on myself, not letting anybody or any negative emotions interfere.Point.
I'll keep you updated.
Have a good weekend, all of you!
xoxo

I'm going swimming tonight

Hey guys,
tonight I'm facing one of my fears and go to a public swimming pool. I have a friend by my side, but still I hate beeing half naked in a public place.
Eating wise I'm doing the best I can. I'm staying under 800 calories, which is good but it feels not good enough.
I am not sure wether I should keep this roommate dinner thing or not. On the other side I do not want to be rude by skipping out on it every night and I kind of wanna build a friendly relationship with her. And we mostly just see each other for dinner. Well, I have to think about it. At least I'm always having an eye on eating less than her. And my roommate is thin.

I will also think about making a list of "safe foods", that I can eat, when I'm feeling the urge to binge.
Thank you for the tip Weighting2Escape.

So I'm off to look for my bathing suit..

well well well

So I've finished my fast yesterday. I was pretty proud of myself for finishing it and having the strength to do it. I had my ups and downs, I could not sleep very much throughout the week-end, which was fine for me, because I was working on a paper for school. So the fast overall went fine, I lost 7 pounds when I stepped on the scale monday morning.
Yesterday was the first time I ate something again. I don't know why but as soon as I had some food in my mouth my body was like screaming for more. To cut the long story short, I had a huge (!) binge, which was like hell for my stomach, it was hurting so bad and in the end I was throwing up like without even trying. It was just horrible and I am so much ashamed for myself. I'm gaining all the weight back, I don't want to think about it. And the most terrible thing is that I was in such a binge mode that I binged again this morning, when my roommate was at school. The good thing about having a roommate now is that I can not binge in front of her. So when she's home I can not binge. I would have kept binging all day if she wasn't there, I bet. So I actually had a healthy meal for dinner with her: salad and grilled chicken.
I am returning to my old plan, fruits and veggies throughout the day and a small dinner with my roomie at night. I am also thinking about taking some dance classes, but I am not sure wether I have the courage or not, to show up at one of those classes. Dance classes are the one thing that I wanted to do for a long time. Particularly ballet classes. But I honestly feel too fat and I am too ashamed of my body for taking such a class.
Well I hope to cheer you up with some better news later this week, when I hopefully didn't gained all weight back from my binging... :( ...
It's about looking forward, right?
take care my lovely readers,
xoxo

Fasting Day N°1 and "Nuit Blanche"

I lived in Paris. And I speak french in case you were wondering about my blog post title.

But onto other things..I survived my first day of fasting with a few struggles.
First of all, I've never fasted for more than a few days. So 6 days for me is a tough one. This evening I kind of had a flash back from things that happened in my childhood and teenage years. I instatly felt the urge to binge. I was going back and forth in my head to decide whether I should binge or not. So I stood in my hallway - shoes on, jacket on- ready to go to crash the supermarket for binge food. And then I saw the reflection of myself in the mirror that is hanging in my hallway. I was so digusted with myself, how selfish I am, how greedy and fat. And I turned around. I still managed to not put a single piece of food in my mouth. And it feels good. I overcame the urge to binge. I stayed in control.

Well but I am having a "nuit blache" which basicly means that I can not sleep (it is currently 3:12 AM where I live). I think it might be due to the fast, I'm not sure.
Maybe it is also because I am emotionally stirred up. I thought of a lot of things.

I think I want to share a little of it and therefore I want to write about my father.
From when I was little, I always had weird distance to my father. I don't know where it came from, but I think it is because my mother was very close to me, she raised me and my brothers and it was always her who managed the family. Somehow I did not feel safe beeing alone with my father when my mom wasn't around. Me and my brothers were always on my mothers side when my parents had a fight. Regardless what the fight was about. We alsways felt sorry for my mom (I am speaking for my brothers too, which might be incorrect, Idk) when she was crying. I had this picture in my head of my father beeing the reason of my mothers harm. Which is not true, from the perspective I have now. But this distance between my father and I never went away. I always felt and feel powerless to resolve it. I don't see that he is making an effort too and I often feel as he doesn't even care about me. I know he loves me somehow, but he doesn't show it very much.
I feel like a lot of this has it's impact on my relationships with men. I often feel powerless and used. I can't enjoy someone wanting to be close to me. I feel like I have to fix myself befor I can let anybody be close to me. I have to be perfect in order to feel secure. I have to change in order to deserve love. I am somehow wrong and therefore I starve myself. Therefore I hurt myself with food. Therefore I hurt myself in general.
I don't know if my story makes sense..
I don't think that my father is reponsible for my ED nor my love life but I think that my relationship to my father (and my other family members also, of course) is like a piece of a puzzle.
Enough of the psychoananlysis for tonight. I really have to sleep right now.

Blair - thank you so much sweetie for doing this fast with me! I hope you're doing alright?

Behind the fat - Thank you for your support. It is better not to fast if it leads to major binging. I'm not sure how long I will last but I'm gonna fight for it.

as alway stay strong girls..
xoxo

little monday blues

okay, so saturday evening i didn't go to the fast food place, but i did eat some other food that was available in my kitchen. My roommate was out, so this is why i got drunk (i wouldn't do it in front of her) and binged. I hate binging! I think I got triggered to binge on alkohol and food by the fact that I sat home on this saturday evening and had noone to go out with (the friend I wanted to go out with ditched me last mínute, because she was tired and had back pains). So I sat there while my roommate was going out with her friends and I was in such a bad mood because of it.
Yesterday went okay (despite the fact that I was still a little drunk all morning and my eyes were swollen) but I kept my calories in check as well as today.
Today so far, I had 1 orange and coffee, later I will cook with my roommate. We planned to have pasta and a salad. So for me that means just a little pasta and more of the salad. That will add up to approx. 500 calories for today.
This hole "cooking-together-with-my-roommate-thing" is a little annoying but I can handle it I think. As long as we decide together what we cook. As you may noticed I screwed over my intentional plan with the south beach diet. I have to pretend beeing "normal" in frnt of my roommate, whitch is why my new plan will be: Having just fruit and coffee throughout the day and then dinner with my roommate. With this plan I'll be under 800 calories a day plus I'll have no problems with my enviroment beeing suspicious about my eating habits.
This is really the worst thing for me, to have someone to know about my problems with food. I don't want anybody to know. I want to stay that confident person on the outside. I don't want anybody to see I'm vulnerable. However I'm having a lille of a blues today. The weather is f'ing bad toay, it has been raining all day and I'm tired and have been staying in bed all day.
But I have some good news. My roomate will be gone from wednesday over the week-end till monday. That means six days of freedom food wise. I'm thinking about a little fast. Six days, who is with me?
However stay strong girls and have a great evening!
Love y'all
xoxo

ps. thank you blair for your sweet comment on my last post. It really meant a lot to me! Your words were cheering me up and making me feeling less bad about myself. So thank you so much and I'm glad you like my blog :)

drunk saturday night rambling

First of all, I'm writing this blogpost not having all my senses together, so thank you in atvantage for ignoring eventual misspelling and beeing all over the place.
I've been relieving my pain with some hardcore plum brandy (moonshine a serbian friend gave to me). I feel f'ing delirious right now, but that's what I was going for.
I hate my life. I hate the emptyness.
I'm trying to convince myself that there are people who care for me but I feel really lonely right now. It is not that I am lonely, but I feel somehow lost in this world. I feel like a observer who always stands in the corner emty-handed while everyone else is sipping champagne.
I have no boyfriend, I never truely had one. I never had a relationship. I don't know what it feels like when someone you're in love with loves you back.
I feel worthless, worthless of love and happyness.
I only had bad experiences with men. I've been letting myself be treated lik sh*t. I've been promiscuous. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting..
I wanna binge right now so badly.
Stuff myself with food. But my new roommate (who moved in two days ago btw) might notice, so I'm trying to keep myself from binging. But there is a fast food rastaurant just around the corner from where I live, so I might be ending up going there, drunk as hell. Spending my last money on a bunch of shitty greasy food, disgusting!
I'm sorry for the whining. I hate myself for letting myself go. For beeing so will-less, for beeing so out of control..
Maybe I am an alkoholic in addition to my ED. Idk..
Maybe I'm gonna go sleep right now, but I'm not tired yet. I want to finish the bottle of liquor first.
Reality is too much for me right now..

meal plan

after a lot of research, ich came up with this meal plan:
(I'm starting tomorrow, thursday october 29th btw)

breakfast: 1 egg OR low fat ham/cheese, vegetables of choice, 1 cup of coffee
snack: 10 almonds
lunch: 1 egg OR low fat ham/cheese, vegetables of choice
snack:  1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese
dinner: 1 chickenbreast or turkey, salad with balsamic vinaigrette

This a approximately under 800 calories, depending on the choices I make with the vegetables and portion sizes.
But I limit my intake to 800 cal. a day.
I'm also allowed to have sugar-free gums/hard candy. But because I'm eating 5 times a day, I won't binge on them, I suppose.
I hope eating so often will keep me from binging in general. As you may know I'm mostly a binge eater/bulimic. If you are anorexic and reading this, you might think "oh my god, eating 5 times a day is a lot" and yes I think too that it is a lot, but I hope it is the right strategy to keep me from binging.
So tell me what you think, I hope I'll be successful with this plan and lose the weight a little quicker.
Take care my lovely readers,
xoxo

long overdue update

I'm really sorry for my long absence.
I've had a buisy week but finally I have some time to blog.
Last week I lost 2 pounds and this week another one. I reached my first goal, which is so exciting!
I still have a long way to go and I am more determined than ever. I think I could have lost more, if I hadn't had bad days throughout the week. I really need to be more consistent and then I'll lose the weight a little quicker I guess.
I've been doing a lot of exercise lately, which is good. I feel my muscles aching and I love it.
I'm thinking about starting the South beach diet, which is basicly cancelling carbs and sugar from your diet and eating low-fat protein and veggies. I'm not sure yet, but I think that maybe I could lose the weight more quickly. I'll have to do a little more research, because I don't own the book. But I think it is doable, there are a lot of informations online.

Well that's it, I'll keep you updated on my progress.
Have a good day everybody!

xoxo

rainy days

hey girls (and boys, if there are any, I don't want to exclude you)
I've been doing okay the last two days. I haven't stepped on the scale, I decided to weigh myself just once a week. So monday is my weigh-in day. I'm a bit scared to be honest. I'm hoping for a lower number but I'm not sure if I will get to see it. But still I have two days left to work my butt off, control my eating and lose some weight! I planned to work out saturday and sunday and I'm really hoping it will show.
I'm sorry that this is just a short update. I'm really tired I hardly can keep my eyes open. I'm already in bed with my notebook on my knees.
Stay strong you guys,
xo

binge monster

ugh I'm such an idiot!
Everything went fine until I came home and ate.
First of all why did I eat?!?
I had my tea in the morning and a little clementine, which was absolutely okay.
Somehow my brain stopped working when I walked into my kitchen today and I had a huge bowl of rice with sweet&sour sauce (chinese stuff my ex-roommate left in my fridge, why the hell didn't I already throw it away?), thinking of it still makes me wanna throw up.
I seariously need to get myself together and be serious about my goals. Because this is f'ing not gonna bring me closer to my goals.
I just want the day to be over.
I have to find a way to get rid of all the calories I ate.
I think I'm not gonna eat anything tomorrow. I'll fast and allow myself to have just water and tea.
I'm not gonna allow food to control me.

take care all my readers, I hope your doing better than me.
xo

back from vacation

hey guys,
i survived my vacations and  i actually enjoyed them. I came around eating a few times by telling my friend i had stomach aches. And we walked a lot, which was great. I actually lost a few pounds.
Back to my appartment i feel a little depressed. The weather is shitty it is f*ing cold here in Germany. My appartment is on the first floor so there is not that much light coming through my windows even though i have pretty big windows. But when it's cloudy and rainy i have to turn on the lights very often throughout the day. What I hate the most, is that the weather is so depressing. I'm sorry I'm complaining so much :( don't take it too seriously, I am a drama queen.
Eating wise I decided to try a more balanced diet, even though I'm not eating that much, I eat mostly crappy foods, which is baaad.

So this is my new plan:

- giving up coffee and milk in the morning for black tea

- keeping my calories under 800 a day

- eating steamed vegetables or salad for dinner instead of crappy snacks

- eating at least 2 fruits a day

- drinking 3 liters of water a day

- doing yoga everyday in the morning or evening, for stress-release

- cardio 3 times a week for 20 minutes to begin with

My classes are starting again on monday, so this is a great time for starting with a new plan. I love having classes, because when I'm at university I'm so occupied that i forget eating. I just have to stay away from the sweets at the cafés (there are plenty of them, and one has homemade cake - to die for! *sighn*) but I think I can manage that. I'm gonna take my waterbottle and my thermos bottle filled with tea and thats it!
So I hope you're all doing well.
Thank you so much for your sweet comments on my last post.
Take care xxx

depressed and binging

I'm sorry, I haven't had the time to update. My eating was crazy the last week, i'm really ashamed. When I'm at home and I have everything under conrol, only healthy food in my fridge and my appartment organized, everything goes well. I keep my calories in check and do my exercise. But (and there comes the big but (and maybe also the big butt *lol*)) when I get depressed my appartment is a mess (like right now), I feel the urge to binge (like the past days) and I am totally out of control. I don't want to face the scale right now, I feel like an idiot, because I am not capable of keeping my emotions under control.
I want to be thin so bad!!!
And what do I do??!?
I'm trying really hard to get out of my binge mode. I really need to clean my apartment and get myself together. I have so much things to do, I'm going on a week-end trip in two days and I need to do some laundry. I so depressed, I don't even want to go on vacation right now. I'll have to eat there, and I know it's going to be hard not to binge. I'm going with a friend who had an eating disorder once, and I can't make her suspicious in any way. I have to pretend that I'm completely normal. Well, I have to get through this. Right now I'm in such a bad mood..

Birthday busyness

You wouldn't believe to how much birthday partys I have attent these days. My grandma, my aunt, my brother...all their birthdays are coming up. And with the celebrating comes along a hole variety of temtations. Birthday cake, birthday dinners, sweets, booze.. horrible!
I hope I can make it through this hole birthday insanity.
I'm expected to eat and I don't want to. I feel like people are wanting me to eat that I stay beeing the "fat girl". Sometimes I whish I could escape this hole world of relashionships and family. I could do what I want a be thin, finally.
I have a new passion by the way. I bought a sewing machine and it is fantastic. I can't wait to sew myself a hole lot of stuff. I'm still learning but I love it. Yesterday I sewed a little cell phone purse. I had this cute fabric, white with little red flowers and the purse turned out really good. I'm so excited!
Eatingwise I'm doing okay. I decided to weigh myself only once a week and I'm making friday my weigh-in day. I'm thinking about doing a more strict plan, with a hole weeks intake preplanned. I'll let you know when I have it ready.

sunday morning post

I've been doing good, but still my weight isn't changing which is disappointing. I think I have to change my plan maybe. Yesterday I went for a walk with my friend J who came to visit. We took a long walk, which was nice. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. Later I cooked for him, I made a salat, cooked veggies and some pasta. I think he noticed that I didn't eat much of the pasta, but he didn't say something. Then we went to the movies and watched a funny kids movie, because we were late to the theater and the movie we originally inteded to watch already started. But it was still fun.
My plan for today (after my coffee, which I'm having right now) is to do Yoga and then do some cleaning in my appartment, I have a lot on my to-do-list. I think I'm going to do some bycicling later this day. It's a good workout and I can enjoy the nice weather.
So enjoy the day ladies and stay strong!

stucked on 179

Also today my weight didn't move. Dinner was okay yesterday evening. My mom made wholegrain- vegetable-pancakes and they where lowfat with tzaziki dip. I had half of a pancake and just a little of the dip. During the day I had coffee (44cal), an apple (60cal) and cucumbersoup with shrimps (198cal), for the pancake I'll count 350 calories. This adds up to 652 calories for the day.
I'm really hoping to lose two more pounds until next week. Unfortunately a friend is visiting me on saturday which means I'll have to eat something with him during the day. Maybe I'll cook for him. That's better than going to a restaurant where I can't be sure how much oil and other crap they put into their food.
I'm a little stressed out about college lately. I have a big assignment to do and I haven't started yet. I don't feel confident that I'm gonna do a good job on this and it's driving me nuts! I'll just have to do it I guess. I hate failure and I'm a pefectionist so it is not acceptable for me to not do good.
Well, enough of that.
I whish everybody a successful weekend!
Be strong girls!
<3

1 pound down - 59 to go

I lost one pound when i stepped on the scale this morning. I'm really hoping that I'll lose another one tomorrow since I've done well today. I did some bicycling today and burned about 340 calories. And I ate not much troughout the day and had my main meal in the evening.
This is what I ate:
coffee with a little milk (30cal)
1 apple (60cal)

1 nectarine (51cal)

salmon and steamed veggies (314cal)

low fat milk (110cal)

(total: 565)

Tomorrow I'll have dinner at my parents house which is gonna be a struggle. I think I'm gonna eat nothing until dinner (only liquids) and then eat a little bit, telling my family I ate a lot before I came.

Whish me luck that I'll find the strength to not binge.

thank you my followers for following my blog!

Together we can do it!

Intro

I'm sailing to thinisland..but trust me there is a long way ahead of me.
I'm far from beeing thin at the moment and I hate it. So I sat down today and decided that now is the time and I need to devote everything to my goal. Not that I haven't tried in the past, but I haven't tried enough. This blog is hopefully helping me to remind me of my goals and keeps me staying on track.
A bit about me and my life:
I am 24, I am a student and I live by myself in an appartment, which has its good and bad sides.
I have bulimic episodes since the last 3 years, i've given up the purging (I'm tempted to do it still, but I'm trying not to) but the binges are still happening. I usually try to fast afterwards, but still I hate binging and it's causing me weightgain.
At the time my weight is ridiculously heigh. I weigh 180 lbs, it is simply disgusting. My goal weight is 120 lbs ( I'm a 5'8 by the way).
Most of this weight I gained throughout the last 3 years, before i weighed "healthy" 145 lbs and thanks to my binging and purging i gained 35 pounds.
So that's it for today, i'll write somemore about me in the next post.
Until then, Thinisland here I come!