Mittwoch, 4. November 2009

Fasting Day N°1 and "Nuit Blanche"

I lived in Paris. And I speak french in case you were wondering about my blog post title.

But onto other things..I survived my first day of fasting with a few struggles.
First of all, I've never fasted for more than a few days. So 6 days for me is a tough one. This evening I kind of had a flash back from things that happened in my childhood and teenage years. I instatly felt the urge to binge. I was going back and forth in my head to decide whether I should binge or not. So I stood in my hallway - shoes on, jacket on- ready to go to crash the supermarket for binge food. And then I saw the reflection of myself in the mirror that is hanging in my hallway. I was so digusted with myself, how selfish I am, how greedy and fat. And I turned around. I still managed to not put a single piece of food in my mouth. And it feels good. I overcame the urge to binge. I stayed in control.

Well but I am having a "nuit blache" which basicly means that I can not sleep (it is currently 3:12 AM where I live). I think it might be due to the fast, I'm not sure.
Maybe it is also because I am emotionally stirred up. I thought of a lot of things.

I think I want to share a little of it and therefore I want to write about my father.
From when I was little, I always had weird distance to my father. I don't know where it came from, but I think it is because my mother was very close to me, she raised me and my brothers and it was always her who managed the family. Somehow I did not feel safe beeing alone with my father when my mom wasn't around. Me and my brothers were always on my mothers side when my parents had a fight. Regardless what the fight was about. We alsways felt sorry for my mom (I am speaking for my brothers too, which might be incorrect, Idk) when she was crying. I had this picture in my head of my father beeing the reason of my mothers harm. Which is not true, from the perspective I have now. But this distance between my father and I never went away. I always felt and feel powerless to resolve it. I don't see that he is making an effort too and I often feel as he doesn't even care about me. I know he loves me somehow, but he doesn't show it very much.
I feel like a lot of this has it's impact on my relationships with men. I often feel powerless and used. I can't enjoy someone wanting to be close to me. I feel like I have to fix myself befor I can let anybody be close to me. I have to be perfect in order to feel secure. I have to change in order to deserve love. I am somehow wrong and therefore I starve myself. Therefore I hurt myself with food. Therefore I hurt myself in general.
I don't know if my story makes sense..
I don't think that my father is reponsible for my ED nor my love life but I think that my relationship to my father (and my other family members also, of course) is like a piece of a puzzle.
Enough of the psychoananlysis for tonight. I really have to sleep right now.

Blair - thank you so much sweetie for doing this fast with me! I hope you're doing alright?

Behind the fat - Thank you for your support. It is better not to fast if it leads to major binging. I'm not sure how long I will last but I'm gonna fight for it.

as alway stay strong girls..


  1. I just wanted to say thank you. I had a REALLY bad weekend in terms of eating, and I've had this horrible mindset since. I was literally about to leave for the grocery myself when you updated your blog. So thank you SO MUCH for just asking me how I am, because the knowledge that someone else cares about how I'm doing has kept me from eating all day.

    stay strong beautiful! day 1 is behind us.

  2. you do NOT have to "fix" yourself for someone to be close to you. Please dont say that because I dont want you to beleive that. Youre a wonderful person that can be loved. Its possible that your father doesnt know how to build the relationship either. I wouldnt assume that he doesnt care about you. What are his other relationships like? Is he distant with everyone?

  3. Hey, you are strong, stronger than me at this point, not only for the 6 day fast, but because of everything you've gone through... HANG IN THERE!!!

    Much love, xxxooo, stay strong!

  4. Im so glad to have found someone who is pretty much the same weight as me, I'm 176 and 5'11 , stay strong, we will be able to do it xxx