I lived in Paris. And I speak french in case you were wondering about my blog post title.
But onto other things..I survived my first day of fasting with a few struggles.
First of all, I've never fasted for more than a few days. So 6 days for me is a tough one. This evening I kind of had a flash back from things that happened in my childhood and teenage years. I instatly felt the urge to binge. I was going back and forth in my head to decide whether I should binge or not. So I stood in my hallway - shoes on, jacket on- ready to go to crash the supermarket for binge food. And then I saw the reflection of myself in the mirror that is hanging in my hallway. I was so digusted with myself, how selfish I am, how greedy and fat. And I turned around. I still managed to not put a single piece of food in my mouth. And it feels good. I overcame the urge to binge. I stayed in control.
Well but I am having a "nuit blache" which basicly means that I can not sleep (it is currently 3:12 AM where I live). I think it might be due to the fast, I'm not sure.
Maybe it is also because I am emotionally stirred up. I thought of a lot of things.
I think I want to share a little of it and therefore I want to write about my father.
From when I was little, I always had weird distance to my father. I don't know where it came from, but I think it is because my mother was very close to me, she raised me and my brothers and it was always her who managed the family. Somehow I did not feel safe beeing alone with my father when my mom wasn't around. Me and my brothers were always on my mothers side when my parents had a fight. Regardless what the fight was about. We alsways felt sorry for my mom (I am speaking for my brothers too, which might be incorrect, Idk) when she was crying. I had this picture in my head of my father beeing the reason of my mothers harm. Which is not true, from the perspective I have now. But this distance between my father and I never went away. I always felt and feel powerless to resolve it. I don't see that he is making an effort too and I often feel as he doesn't even care about me. I know he loves me somehow, but he doesn't show it very much.
I feel like a lot of this has it's impact on my relationships with men. I often feel powerless and used. I can't enjoy someone wanting to be close to me. I feel like I have to fix myself befor I can let anybody be close to me. I have to be perfect in order to feel secure. I have to change in order to deserve love. I am somehow wrong and therefore I starve myself. Therefore I hurt myself with food. Therefore I hurt myself in general.
I don't know if my story makes sense..
I don't think that my father is reponsible for my ED nor my love life but I think that my relationship to my father (and my other family members also, of course) is like a piece of a puzzle.
Enough of the psychoananlysis for tonight. I really have to sleep right now.
Blair - thank you so much sweetie for doing this fast with me! I hope you're doing alright?
Behind the fat - Thank you for your support. It is better not to fast if it leads to major binging. I'm not sure how long I will last but I'm gonna fight for it.
as alway stay strong girls..