Samstag, 31. Oktober 2009

drunk saturday night rambling

First of all, I'm writing this blogpost not having all my senses together, so thank you in atvantage for ignoring eventual misspelling and beeing all over the place.
I've been relieving my pain with some hardcore plum brandy (moonshine a serbian friend gave to me). I feel f'ing delirious right now, but that's what I was going for.
I hate my life. I hate the emptyness.
I'm trying to convince myself that there are people who care for me but I feel really lonely right now. It is not that I am lonely, but I feel somehow lost in this world. I feel like a observer who always stands in the corner emty-handed while everyone else is sipping champagne.
I have no boyfriend, I never truely had one. I never had a relationship. I don't know what it feels like when someone you're in love with loves you back.
I feel worthless, worthless of love and happyness.
I only had bad experiences with men. I've been letting myself be treated lik sh*t. I've been promiscuous. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting..
I wanna binge right now so badly.
Stuff myself with food. But my new roommate (who moved in two days ago btw) might notice, so I'm trying to keep myself from binging. But there is a fast food rastaurant just around the corner from where I live, so I might be ending up going there, drunk as hell. Spending my last money on a bunch of shitty greasy food, disgusting!
I'm sorry for the whining. I hate myself for letting myself go. For beeing so will-less, for beeing so out of control..
Maybe I am an alkoholic in addition to my ED. Idk..
Maybe I'm gonna go sleep right now, but I'm not tired yet. I want to finish the bottle of liquor first.
Reality is too much for me right now..


  1. Dieser Kommentar wurde vom Autor entfernt.

  2. Hey! I just found your blog and I love it. I know this might not be what you want to hear right now, but you're not worthless and your past (including your past relationships with men) doesn't define your worth. Its sometimes really hard to see that, but its true. Also remember that food and/or alcohol are only going to hurt, not help (but hey, I still turn to both on my bad days, we're all human.)

    Basically, I'm just trying to say that I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Don't blame yourself so much that you can't find your way out and stop apologizing for "whining" cause that's what we're here for - to listen.

    Stay strong lovelie!