may 6th

Intake yesterday:
bf: 1 small Banana, coffee 90 cal
lunch: candy (not planned) 200 cal worth
dinner: low fast yoghurt and another small banana 220 cal
later in the evening: chocolate 110 cal
total: 620 cal

intake today (so far):
bf: tea, 1 banana, 1 hole grapefruit 131 cal

I was a little pissed at myself for eating chocolate and candy, but at least i did keep my calories low and didn't binge like crazy. It feels so good to be back in restriction again and not binge and purge all the time.
I am also joining this skinny pact , if you want to check that one out.

xoxo

may 4th, I am back again

It's been a while, but I am back and kind of motivated.
I watched all 6 seasons of the Hills this weekend (after beeing completely hung over from friday night). I find this show somewhat stupid, but the girls and fashion in it is inspiring.
I googled Lauren Conrads diet and work out.
She is eating pretty healthy, lots of fruit and vegetables, lean protein, beans and lentils at a max. of 1,500 calories. No carbs after breakfast. She is working out twice a week, doing weight training and some cardio.
I think she is pretty thin, especially on the cover of shape magazine. On other pictures her thighs look a little big.
Here is my meal plan (not hers, i made up my own):

breakfast: fruits, a little carbs (whole wheat bread or oatmeal), coffee and skim milk
300 cal
lunch: salad with lean protein (fish or chicken breast)
300 cal
dinner: steamed veggies with fish or chicken or beans/lentils or high protein substitute
300 to 400 cal
snacks: low fat yogurt and almonds
150 cal

total calories for the day: 1000 to 1050 minus calories burned in work outs, at least 200 a day.
-> total calories: 800 to 850 or less

my rules are:
1. The only drinks aloud are water and tea.
2. If i have a snack in between lunch and dinner I'll only have 300 cal for dinner.
3. I have to work out every day at least for 20 minutes.
4. I can only spend 30 € in a week on food.
5. I have to prepare or plan my food in advance for everywhere I go.
6. I have to keep a food diary.

I want to lose at least 2-3 lbs a week.

What do you think? Good plan or bad idea to eat that much?

I already feel guilty rereading my meal plan.
Maybe I can forget about how much I eat when I see the weight drop consistently..(which is my major struggle - to be consistent and not fall back into b&p habits)

That' all for now.
Here are some pictures for you guys..

I'm just not gonna eat tomorrow..

I am done with trying.
I don't want to try anymore.
I want to do and be.
doing and being
doing and being
doing and being..

intake so far:
orange juice 30 cal
banana 86 cal

Eastern is coming up and i seriously just wanna kill myself.
All the chocolates, cake, eastern bread, eggs..
Eastern literally became all about food and eating in my family.
Check this "menu" plan:
11 am: easter brunch
3 pm: cake and coffee
8 pm: barbecue
This is not an invitation for myself but for mia.
My family doesn't want me anymore, they want mia to sit on their table, stuffing her face with food, sneaking out to the toilet afterwards.
How am I gonna survive this without giving into my bingeing behaviors??
A part of me just wants to be sick during eastern.

this is a try

After a couple confusing days and a lot of thinking, i decided to give this a try:

1. Doing a lot of sports, muscle training, biking, running, home trainer. At least 1 hour per day.

2. Eating more healthy and normal. I am so sick of this cycle of restricting and b&p. I decided to up my calorie intake to 1000 calories per day.

My eating plan should look like this:
morning: coffee + fruit smoothie
lunch: steamed vegetables or salad and lean protein (chicken, fish, low fat cheese or eggs)
dinner: same as lunch
snacks should be fruit or vegetables

as you may noticed no carbs are allowed.

3. NO MORE BINGES! and no more purging. period.

4. change of mindset. I'm trying to learn how to not be so obsessed with food and weight loss. (not sure yet how to accomplish that)

don't get me wrong, I still want that dream body. But I want to be healthier as well.

Thats it folks.
xoxo

breakdown and confusion

Hello lovelies,
I am in a bit of a rollercoaster ride these days. I've been bingeing and rectricting and bingeing and purging and restricting..i've lost grip and right know i don't know how to get out of this. I've had a long conversation with one of my best friends on the phone yesterday and I started to break down in tears because I could't take it anymore. I told her a little bit of my situation and she was very concerned, telling me I should see a therapist. Now I regret that a little bit that I told her about my issues, but it also felt good to talk to someone. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't feel that I am sick enough to see someone about this. I am still at this ridiculous high weight (173lbs, I weighed myself on monday) and I am not even entirely convinced that I have an eating disorder. Sure what I'm going through is not normal, but I don't know...
It is all a big mess in my head, i can not concentrate, i can not work i can't do anything. Plus I have to pretend that everything is normal, that I am normal in front of my roommate.
I was thinking, maybe I should up my calories, which maybe is preventing me from bingeing, idk..
I can't think clearly right know, i think i'm gonna do some yoga right know to calm myself down and clear my head. I'll talk to you soon and update on my eating plans.
xoxo

sleepless night ramble

It is 5 am right now and I am still awake. Nothing is worse for me than having a sleepless night. I went to bed at 4 am yesterday and slept until 12, maybe thats the reason why I can't sleep. Things have been better, I drank a little too much yesterday but thats okay. I had a lot of male attention that night, which was making me slightly uncomfortable. It is because I can not understand how men are interested in me. I just don't like people looking at me.
I did some yoga earlier, which was very relaxing. I should do it more often. I need to do some meditation too. I have to calm myself down a little bit more. Lately my anxiety appeared more often. Somedays it doesn't even stop. It makes me very anxious. Sometimes I wonder if I have a serious illness that makes me light headed all the time. Thats how crazy I think sometimes. I don't remember when exactly I became such an anxious person. Worrying all the time. I hope meditation will help a little with that.
oh and I have some good news: my roomie is away for the weekend, so I'm gonna bury myself in work and don't have to eat.Yay! I'm gonna weigh myself on monday I think. I'm still really afraid, but I guess there is no way around it. I have to face the truth. Because the scale never lies, huh?
I set myself the goal to lose at least 15 pounds until Eastern in 3 weeks.
I think it is very much doable and I am kind of excited to plan everything.
I love making plans, writing mealplans and calculating everything.
well I think I'll have to sleep now.
good night or good morning to you, wherever you are right now.
xoxo

Ugh, I'm feeling really bad today. Woke up with a headache and had a huge breakfast. I'm so mad right now. Having breakfast with my roommate is definitly not a good idea. I'm sick of food, I'm sooo sick of beeing fat. Ther anger I'm feeling right now is wanting me to b&p really bad.
Mad, mad, mad - aargh!
I need to fast while my roommate is away. I want to do a juice fast, but I need to buy a juicer first.
F*ing juicers are so expensive and I have a tight budget.
But I think I can maybe find a cheap one somewhere.

I hope roommate will be gone soon for a few weeks, roommates can be quite disturbing sometimes.
But she is really nice, so I'm feeling a little bad for wanting her to go soon.

Well aside of that I have to work a hole lot for university.
See you soon
xoxo

ps. blair thank you for your comment on my last post, it is great that you love coffee as much as I do.
I also love cinnamon. Yay for coffee :)