Mittwoch, 12. September 2012

hello again..and this is how i came here

An hour ago I wrote the following post:

"I am here again.
You know why.
I know why.
I want to lose weight again. I've let myself get out of control but I am done with my past and I am looking into my future. Because the future is all I have. All I can control. And control is what I need.
I am alone in my apartment for the whole month of september. My new roommate is moving in in october. I am so happy because this is an opportunity for me to get everything under control. I am going to clean out my fridge and cupboards tomorrow.
Filling it with:
low fat yoghurt
low fat milk
salad greens and low calorie vegetables
frozen fish
frozen vegetables and fruits

and that is it! I am so excited!!
I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning (not excited for that part, I know it is going to be horrible but I need a starting point) and I am going to start a food journal again.
I can't wait to see the weight come off again!"

now I am laying in bed in my fresh bedsheets, freshly showered, my teeth are brushed and next to me is a steaming mug of calming tea. A nice picture. Calm, relaxed. No one would ever think what I have done one hour ago.

But lets rewind a little.

Same day, same time, six month ago. I am laying in my bed and I am loving my life. I think of my exciting new boyfriend that I have just met and I am living together with an awsome roommate. We drink together, we party together a hole lot and we are having the times of our lives. I feel like living in a rush of love, excitement and adventure. My roommate is dragging me along, she is the one filling my life with joy and happiness even when my relationship fails in a messy break up. She is this tiny exuberant person, planning my week-ends for me (and even my weeks), she teaches me how to be fearless and happy.

Fast-forward to the end of september.
My friend is moving out. It wasn't unexpected, she was supposed to, leaving my city to go back to her hometown because of work. And then I realized what a huge gap she left in my life.
I realized my inability to create a life for myself without someone elses help. How sickness and depression are catching me again in these times of loneliness.
I am starting to binge again. I tell myself that I want to stop but I can't.
This evening today was the peek of my relapse.

It started with a bottle of white wine and a package of frozen chinese dumplings. How innocent did it all look. And then it found it's way into my mouth. I started to feel really sick but kept eating. I wanted to fill the emptiness that I was feeling inside. But food never fills it. The hole disaster ended with me, crying while throwing up in my bathroom, something I haven't done for a long time.
And i regret it painfully.
I am 27 years old. Other women of my age have a family and kids that they take care of.
I can't even take care of myself.

But I am done regretting. I have let go of the past in order to move on and create positive things for myself in the future.
Losing weight.
Finishing uni. Getting a real job.
Beeing happy.

That's all for tonight my lovely readers who are hopefully not given up on me yet.
Thank you all for reading.

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