...

I'm really grumpy today. It is such a nice weather out today, but I am still laying in bed at 2 PM ...aaarg!!
I feel sick, I am dehydrated but my legs won't move.
I don't know if I lost weight in the last few days, because I feel bloated, I think I'm having PMS but it is way to early! I do feel a slight pain in my lower belly, I don't know..
I've been doing okay food wise, but I am always thinking I can do better, eat less.
I am not stepping on the scale though, I am too scared I could be dissapointed. Just a few more days.

Here is my food plan by the way:

bf: 1 apple and coffee

l: green salad, cucumber and tomato w/ balsamic vinegrette, 3 tbsp cottage cheese

d: tiny portion of brown rice, veggies in vegetable broth

that sums up to about 500 calories.
This is me trying to eat healthy but still low calorie, what do you think?

I whish you a wonderful and succesful day.
xo

Hiding from my issues

Hello readers,

I've not been updating because I was doing so terrible lately.
My vacation to Amsterdam was good and bad. I was travelling with a group of friend that I didn't know much besides one of them. And I had a problem with her during that time or rather she was ignoring me the hole time, which wasn't a nice feeling. Afterwards she was confronting me with a lot of things that she was criticising about me. Wasn't a nice feeling either, I felt very betrayed. If you hate me that much why are you my friend then?!? I don't know where this leaves our friendship, we haven't had much contact lately. But I'm rambling.
I am back from my parent's house since yesterday where I spent the easter hollidays. I am back in my dark little cave, where I am not doing much besides laying on the sofa and crying. I am back in my depressed little world. I feel very stuck..
After a week of my family around me I am back to my quiet loney life.
I feel lost again. At the beginning of a crossroad without knowing where to go. Which road to choose. Climbing back into my dark cave, a tomb where my mind is confined.
I am hating this. I hate to be depressed but I can't get myself out of here.
I am planning to fast again.
I'll clean out my fridge today. I need to buy water though.
I am gonna start tomorrow by doing a rice day.
I'll keep you posted.

about a boy, amsterdam and weight loss plan

Life has been..a little crazy i guess.

Well, I've met a boy last year before i stopped blogging.
It didn't work out but hey that's life.
He wanted me to gain weight, which basically made me eat nothing.
I mean seriously..I am far away from skinny and then you want me to gain weight?
So we broke up, not because of this issue but it was one of them.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone compatible to me.
I guess I am just attracting the wrong kind of guys.

Right now I am trying to get back to where I left of with my plan back in october last year.
I mean I lost 10 lbs since then but I've been avoiding the scale and I feel like I've gained weight. Which makes me really mad, but I have had a lot of binge cravings lately (and giving into them obviously).
I am probably replacing sex with food. Bad bad, very bad!!

But I am looking forward to go on a trip to Amsterdam with a few girlfriends soon. I can't wait to go, but I want to lose a good amount of weight before I go.
How much do you think is possible for me to lose in one month?
I am aiming for 15 lbs.
I'll be fasting for 5 days next week (or longer if I can) and then I am trying to stick to a "healthy" non processed food diet, low in fat, sugar and of course calories. Combined with exercise I hope to lose the weight, so that I can have an awsome time in Amsterdam.
I'll be updating for sure in the next days.

xoxo
sila

Success I like your sweet taste

I successfully finished my first day yesterday!
I stayed in my calorie range, even though the evening was a little hard, because I was really hungry by 7 o'clock, i felt like eating all my low fat yogurts that i bought earlier that day. But I did't. yay!

I woke up this morning, not hungry at all (mornings are the bests aren't they?) in a really good mood, then talked with my mom on the phone. I really enjoyed talking to my mom, but she starts to go on my nerves when she calls me to often. I am having a job interview this afternoon although I don't know if I want to do the job. But I'll see what the women has to say and what kind of tasks she is expecting me to do. I bet they pay really badly and expect me to do a lot. I'd like a job, that is a little more calm. But I keep looking, I don't have to take it right away right?

Okay so I am off to do some cleaning in my appartment.
The safe food list is still to come, I don't have the time right now to type it up.
But I'm gonna do that maybe later in the day.

yay I don't know I am just happy today, everything is in order.
Maybe I even succeed in eating less calories than yesterday..

hope you have a good day.
xoxo

Time to start over

After laying in bed for the whole day, drowning in self-pitty I decided to put and end to this dramatic behaviour of mine.
I've had enough!
Of my excuses over excuses. Of my whining and bitching, of my self isolation and lazyness but most of my fears!
I am scared. I have to face it. Depression is comfort, my bed is comfort and food is comfort.
No more, no more.

I want to do things, accomplish something in my life.

I want to succeed in beeing a student, I want to succeed at finding a job, I want to be thin, I want to be more athletic.
I want to have my cake and eat it too (not in that literal sense, but wou know what I mean).
I want to have it all.

And I have to work for it. From nothing comes nothing. I can not stay in bed and wait for a miracle to happen. It is never going to happen and all I'll be doing is wait.

So I set out a plan:

I have my goal, I know where I want to go.
But, in order for me to succeed I'll have to take it slow (not super slow, but I won't be able to fast right away). I am going to restrict my calorie intake more and more, starting at 1200.

I've made a safe food list which I am going to stick most of my time. If I am in a social situation, I am going to allow myself a tiny little portion of whatever. That way I am not going to feel restricted and binge later.
If I feel that I am in danger of bingeing, I am going to allow myself a tiny portion of whatever I am craving as well.
I really hope that this strategy will work for me and keep me from bingeing!

I'll have to come up with a work out plan as well but I haven't yet.

I think I really need a fresh start. I am going to declutter my hole bedroom and the kitchen as well, to make it really official.

so, I have lots to do as you see..
I am gonna check in tomorrow and let you know of my progress.
Maybe I'll type up my safe food list as well if you're interested.

xoxo stay strong & carpe diem!

i lost my life

Had a binge yesterday night.
My roommate was sleeping and i got up to make pasta.
I hate myself very much right now, I can not bear to get out of bed.
I can not bear to open the window curtains.
I want to stay here in the darkness where i feel secure.

I lost my live, I will lose my life, I can not stay in bed all day.
I already did too much damage to my life.
I am a failure.

poem of the night

I am blank.

I am a semi beautiful doll
too fat to be pretty
too honest to be dull.
I want to feel something -
badly.
I want to cry out loud.
Pain is relief.
Food is poison.
My bones in a plastic bag.
Tomorrow is yesterday
all over again.