sun is shining - the weather is sweet

Sometimes I think I might be bipolar.
How come that I have such highs and lows. It's crazy.

Today the sun is shining and I am just over the moon.
No eating intended today.
I am not even hungry.
I had coffe and a sip of orange juice.

I am going to clean up my room today. I have not been cleaning for a week and it looks like I've been robbed or something.
It's gonna feel good to have a clean room again.
I also plan to redecorate my room a bit. I become bored with how my room looks really easily.

I am planning on having only liquids today. I am gonna weigh myself on saturday morning and hopefully I will be the same weight or less.

There is a hole lot sitting on my shoulders like finishing papers for my university classes, finding a job etc. I get stressed even thinking about it. But I try to remain calm and do yoga and basicly tell myself that I am not stressed.
stress = binge = fat!

I hope y'all doing well girls.
Just remember taking one day at a time.

Dear little monster..

Since last week autumn has arrived with days filled of pouring rain and cloudy darkness.
Depression is taking over again, like clockwork orange.
I lost 11 lbs since the last time I wrote a post.
But I can't bring myself to be happy about it. Since yesterday I have binge eaten and there is still hunger for more. There is a little monster inside of me who never stops.. never stops to feel hungry, never stops to feel unsatisfied. I am not hungry for more food. Food is bland and tasteless. I am hungry for life. But scared at the same time.
I was noticing my body dysmorphia today. I guess it is not as deep developed as I can distinguish between the image of how I think my body looks in my head, and how my body looks in reality. I always always think that I am much more fatter than I am. In my head I think I look like an obese person. And I am not, i don't have a BMI of 30 or more. But I feel like it. I am in the normal weight range but I can't wrap my head around it.
I am scared of this. Why can't I feel just normal?

I don't know how to get rid of my inner obese monster, always hungry, never satisfied.

Dear little monster, please shut up.
Let me live my life.
Let me lose my fears, lose my hunger, lose my sadness.

I just remebered the lines that I wrote in the description box, about sailing to and Island on a starving boat.
Little monster I want to leave you behind and drown you in the water.

I want to sail now.
There is a deep longing for escape.
Escape out of the life I created for myself.

I'm tired now I have to leave I have to sleep..
I am begging you little monster to loosen your claws.
At least for tonight.

moderation is somehow the key

Well, it has been a while since my last post. What happened was, I got really sick last week, my mother actually had to come by and pick me up. I stayed at my parents house for the last week and I basicly couldn't eat much, only fruit and soup and some light meals. By the end of the week I stepped on the scale and I lost 5 pounds!!
Yay!!! 5 freakin pounds.. i don't know why I was (or still am) so excited about 5 pounds but anyway..
since then I have been the queen of control. I eat 1000 calories per day and I am losing weight. It is a miracle. Like something clicked inside me. I am not tempted to binge at all. For example tonight: I was at home alone, watching TV and normaly this would be the perfect opportunity for me to binge. I was kind of thinking about it, too. But then I thought to myself: "Eating? Right now? Forget it, don't even think about it. I am not going to do it anyways!" I took a bottle of water instead and that was it. No binge. I feel like I am in control and somehow having a balance. I clearly see how I lost weight on my stomack already. Tomorrow I am going to weigh myself again and hopefully I'll be happy with the results.
I'll let you know soon,
xoxo

water melon fail & some realizations

First of, I have to confess a few things.
I didn't make it through my planned water melon fast. Let's see, it lastet until 5 pm on monday. Then I got drunk with a friend, later at home alone I binged, on tuesday I binged some more as well as yesterday. I was basicly not eating throughout the day and then bingeing in the evening. This morning I binged again on toast, cheese and pb&j, chocolate milk and buttered corn. Disgusting, I know.
My roommate moved out on monday, so that I had a free pass to binge all day long. I left the curtains closed, filled up my fridge, watched tv shows and movies on my computer and layed in bed all day. I am really sad. My life is pathetic right now. I am that sick depressed girl, who is stuffing her face with food, absolutely disgusting.
But you know what? Only I have responsibilty for my own actions.
Only I can decide what to do with my life.
The last days taught me, that I can no longer live like that. Depressed, fat, eating, letting myself go like this.
I no longer want to be unhappy and fat. I no longer want to be that alone, hiding myself behind closes curtains, letting no sunshine in.
I never had a boyfriend and I am 24 years old. You know why? Because I could not bear anyone touch my huge disgusting body. I have to face it, it is exactly the way my former school students were telling me. Which boy can ever find my body attractive? I am unattractive! Because I have huge legs and hips and arms and my stomach is huge as well. The only thing I like about myself is my small waist. Even though I am overweight, I can feel my rips on my upper body, even though they are not showing, but I am thanking god, that at least my waist is not covered in fat.
If I want to escape this mess, I have to lose weight. There is no other way.
Only I can motivate myself, only I can say no to food.
Only I can control what goes into my body.
Only I can decide whether I want to be thin or not.
Every time I say no to food, I say yes to thin.
The problem is, I am not an anorexic, even though I have small (!) restrictive phases, it is always the same thing: starving and bingeing, starving and bingeing over and over again.
I am not losing weight this way, because my binges are too often and my starving hours too little - I neeed to figure out a way, where I can eat little and not binge.
That means I have to eat more, so I do not feel the need to binge.
I honestly have no idea how I am gonna accomplish that, but I am going to try, I have to.
I am gonna try over and over again.

I'll set myself some rules, which I think are going to help me.

1. Portion control. My stomach needs to get smaller and smaller.
2. Safe food list. I'll have to figure out what I can and can not eat.
3. I can only eat in the kitchen. No more eating in bed, in front of the computer or elsewhere. Food free zone except the kitchen!
4. I'll have to keep myself occupied. I have to be thinking about other things than food. I have to make a list of things I want to accomplish in the next few days.
5. Go for a walk every day. Sitting in my appartment 24/7 is not allowed anymore, even though it feels safe, i need to connect to the outside world every day.
6. Drinking lots of water. At least 2 1/2 liters a day.
7. I'll weigh myself again every day.

I want to come to this point where I am so obsessed with other things (study, sports, reading, organizing my appartment...) that I'll forget to eat.
This is my goal.

If you made it through this huge post, congrats and thank you!
I think ,I kind of had a break through today, but I don't want to be too optimistic.
Thank you again for reading, it really means a lot to me, and every comment you guys leave is always so nice.
xoxo

good morning ladies

So I haven't eaten at all yesterday, I only had apple juice (meal replacement lol) and tatatataa..i did not binge either. I was tempted, very tempted let's say the least, because stupid me had to watch "what's in a binge" videos on youtube (these vids where girls show what they binge on, obviously bulimic girls). It was a little bit like testing my strength.

But onto other things, I have a trip coming up in october. Until then I want to lose as much weight as possible. I am doing a watermelon fast soon and after that I think I'll stick to my 1000 cal. diet + working out like crazy + working for my term papers like crazy throughout the hole time.

Thats all for today, I'll have to get up and work out right now.
xo

confused..and panicking

Since yesterday I was attempting a try of "eating healthy and working out".

I had oats and fruit for breakfast, a healthy pita sandwich for lunch and egg white omlette and spinach salad for dinner. It went okay, also today I worked out in the morning, then had oats and fruit, pita sandwich for lunch.

Now dinner time is arriving and I wanted a baked potato, no butter only a little bit of low fat sour cream. Then I discovered my potatoes went bad. And now I am freaking out, not knowing what to eat, or even if I want to eat. I know that if I don't eat I will binge later.

I am such a loser, like for real.

I am whining about eating, and beeing weak and you all gorgeaus girls are so strong. I swear Bulimia is such a b***. I am too weak to restrict properly and now I am getting a panic attac over bad potatoes.

This is definitely not normal behaviour.

I don't know if I even want to post this, but I guess I'll do it.

I hope you have a better day then me, panic attac free and no bad potatoes involved.
xo

this morning I woke up before my alarm clock

The last weeks were very stressful. Last monday I had a breakdown and wanted to kill myself.
Then I was angry at myself for thinking of suicide. I can only speak for myself here, but for me, thinking about suicide is selfish and self centered. I felt very overwhelmed by a lot of things that are going on in my life right now.
But I can not be that selfish and hurt the people who care about me very much.

On another note, my eating habits were pretty much out of control, but I am getting back on track.
Starting to work out again is helping me the most, especially because feeling the pain of my working muscles is kind of replacing the need to fill my stomach until it hurts (not all the time but still..).

I feel like I need a new eating plan. I'm thinking about fruit in the morning and one meal in the afternoon. Maybe a yogurt in between. 1000 calories max. should make it easier for me to not binge.

I am also thinking about going a fruit fast, which I am really excited about. I want to do a watermelon fast, nothing but watermelon and water. Who wants to join me on the watermelon fast? I am thinking about starting next week..

xoxo