I'm just not gonna eat tomorrow..

I am done with trying.
I don't want to try anymore.
I want to do and be.
doing and being
doing and being
doing and being..

intake so far:
orange juice 30 cal
banana 86 cal

Eastern is coming up and i seriously just wanna kill myself.
All the chocolates, cake, eastern bread, eggs..
Eastern literally became all about food and eating in my family.
Check this "menu" plan:
11 am: easter brunch
3 pm: cake and coffee
8 pm: barbecue
This is not an invitation for myself but for mia.
My family doesn't want me anymore, they want mia to sit on their table, stuffing her face with food, sneaking out to the toilet afterwards.
How am I gonna survive this without giving into my bingeing behaviors??
A part of me just wants to be sick during eastern.

this is a try

After a couple confusing days and a lot of thinking, i decided to give this a try:

1. Doing a lot of sports, muscle training, biking, running, home trainer. At least 1 hour per day.

2. Eating more healthy and normal. I am so sick of this cycle of restricting and b&p. I decided to up my calorie intake to 1000 calories per day.

My eating plan should look like this:
morning: coffee + fruit smoothie
lunch: steamed vegetables or salad and lean protein (chicken, fish, low fat cheese or eggs)
dinner: same as lunch
snacks should be fruit or vegetables

as you may noticed no carbs are allowed.

3. NO MORE BINGES! and no more purging. period.

4. change of mindset. I'm trying to learn how to not be so obsessed with food and weight loss. (not sure yet how to accomplish that)

don't get me wrong, I still want that dream body. But I want to be healthier as well.

Thats it folks.
xoxo

breakdown and confusion

Hello lovelies,
I am in a bit of a rollercoaster ride these days. I've been bingeing and rectricting and bingeing and purging and restricting..i've lost grip and right know i don't know how to get out of this. I've had a long conversation with one of my best friends on the phone yesterday and I started to break down in tears because I could't take it anymore. I told her a little bit of my situation and she was very concerned, telling me I should see a therapist. Now I regret that a little bit that I told her about my issues, but it also felt good to talk to someone. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't feel that I am sick enough to see someone about this. I am still at this ridiculous high weight (173lbs, I weighed myself on monday) and I am not even entirely convinced that I have an eating disorder. Sure what I'm going through is not normal, but I don't know...
It is all a big mess in my head, i can not concentrate, i can not work i can't do anything. Plus I have to pretend that everything is normal, that I am normal in front of my roommate.
I was thinking, maybe I should up my calories, which maybe is preventing me from bingeing, idk..
I can't think clearly right know, i think i'm gonna do some yoga right know to calm myself down and clear my head. I'll talk to you soon and update on my eating plans.
xoxo

sleepless night ramble

It is 5 am right now and I am still awake. Nothing is worse for me than having a sleepless night. I went to bed at 4 am yesterday and slept until 12, maybe thats the reason why I can't sleep. Things have been better, I drank a little too much yesterday but thats okay. I had a lot of male attention that night, which was making me slightly uncomfortable. It is because I can not understand how men are interested in me. I just don't like people looking at me.
I did some yoga earlier, which was very relaxing. I should do it more often. I need to do some meditation too. I have to calm myself down a little bit more. Lately my anxiety appeared more often. Somedays it doesn't even stop. It makes me very anxious. Sometimes I wonder if I have a serious illness that makes me light headed all the time. Thats how crazy I think sometimes. I don't remember when exactly I became such an anxious person. Worrying all the time. I hope meditation will help a little with that.
oh and I have some good news: my roomie is away for the weekend, so I'm gonna bury myself in work and don't have to eat.Yay! I'm gonna weigh myself on monday I think. I'm still really afraid, but I guess there is no way around it. I have to face the truth. Because the scale never lies, huh?
I set myself the goal to lose at least 15 pounds until Eastern in 3 weeks.
I think it is very much doable and I am kind of excited to plan everything.
I love making plans, writing mealplans and calculating everything.
well I think I'll have to sleep now.
good night or good morning to you, wherever you are right now.
xoxo

Ugh, I'm feeling really bad today. Woke up with a headache and had a huge breakfast. I'm so mad right now. Having breakfast with my roommate is definitly not a good idea. I'm sick of food, I'm sooo sick of beeing fat. Ther anger I'm feeling right now is wanting me to b&p really bad.
Mad, mad, mad - aargh!
I need to fast while my roommate is away. I want to do a juice fast, but I need to buy a juicer first.
F*ing juicers are so expensive and I have a tight budget.
But I think I can maybe find a cheap one somewhere.

I hope roommate will be gone soon for a few weeks, roommates can be quite disturbing sometimes.
But she is really nice, so I'm feeling a little bad for wanting her to go soon.

Well aside of that I have to work a hole lot for university.
See you soon
xoxo

ps. blair thank you for your comment on my last post, it is great that you love coffee as much as I do.
I also love cinnamon. Yay for coffee :)

arabic coffee

I discovered something unbelivably delicious: espresso (thats how this specific coffee is called here in germany) with cardamom. Sooo good. I have an italian coffee maker and I put some cardamom in there with the espresso powder. The hole kitchen smelled so good while the coffee was heating. I can't stop drinking it. If you drink it dark without any milk and such it tastes a little lemonlike and if you put some milk in there (like I do) it tastes different again.
You have to try it, if you like coffee.
You won't be disappointed i think.
I'll write some more later, back to work for now.

sunday, March 7th

hello my lovely ladies,

just an update on my life and how I'm doing.
I have struggled to keep my food down this week, especially with having a lot of people around, dinners with friends (who the hell ever thought inventing an "all you can eat"-restaurant was a good idea ?!?) and meals with my new roommate and her boyfriend. It is so hard to be social and not staying at home all day. Regarding my eating I really want to isolate myself as much as possible. But regarding my depression I need to be around people and out of my room.
I feel like I lost weight (haven't stepped on the scale yet and I'm not going to until I feel like I lost some more weight), but it is a slow process.
Tonight I'm going out to the movies, watching a swedish crime thriller and I'm excited to go. No popcorn for me though, just water.
Tomorrow will be back to normal, working for the whole day in my room (I'm even thinking about going to the library to work there). I'm planning to have coffe in the morning, then having a little fruit and veg all day and having dinner with my roommate: shrimps and veggies + salad. Or salmon and salad. We'll see.
Not more then 800 calories, period.
And I'm gonna work out in the morning, starting the 30 Day Shred dvd again.
30 days, every day, that's my goal.

I hope everybody is doing great,
I'll update hopefully soon.
xoxo

monday, march 1st

food intake:

coffee 48 cal
orange juice 109 cal
kiwi 37 cal
rice and veggies 358 cal
white whine 320 cal
(total: 782 cal)

I am getting drunk all by myself, finally alone in my apartment. I'm having the worst day today, at least I did well with eating. I am in a funk and I don't know how to get out of it. Maybe blogging helps a little. I am just so mad today. I am crying and asking myself why I am even alive. I get absolutely nothing done, it is so awful. I am so dissapointed in myself in general. Getting drunk is the only thing I feel like doing. And listening to this song I mentioned in my last post, over and over again. I already know the lyrics by heart.
Beeing alone is leaving so much space for all my emotions to release. I don't know if it i a good or a bad thing. I wish I had a much more interesting life.

I was wondering, has anybody of you a journal/book with pictures and inspirational things to collect? I have a journal, but i wish I had a printer at home so I could print pictures and stuff. But I don't use my journal that often anymore, i more likely write stuff on here.

Anyways, i have to work out tomorrow! I didn't do it today.

Sometimes I think I might be an alkoholic, not that I crave to drink all the time but I like to drink when I'm alone. I don't like to drink in public so much, because I feel easily embarrased when I'm drunk.

However I hope y'all had a good day.
I'm just gonna lay down and watch some stupid tv, I think.
xo