Sunday, 13:16 PM

Days gone without purging: 1

Weight: 181 ( ... I'm speechless..gained all the weight back plus more..)

Intake so far:

Orange juice 108 cal
water

Besides the shocking results on the scale (what did I expected, eating like a pig for three weeks ?!)
I'm having a good day so far.
I purchased an exercise dvd called "30 Day Shred" by Jillian Michaels back 3 weeks ago. I did the routine for 2 days but then I had to stop due to my hospital inscident.
Today I started again and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. The first time I did it I was nearly passing out. The great thing is, that it is just a twenty minute work out, which I can get through even if its hard. I'm planning on doing this for at least 30 days.

Does someone have the dvd? It would be great if someone would join me and we could do this together.

All in all I'm gonna focus on doing exercise and eating restricted, but maybe more than I normally would (we'll see how that goes) because I really really really (!!) do not want to binge and purge anymore.

Thank you so much for your support and advice Behind the Fat. I am gonna try hard to get away from mia.
Hopefully I will succeed.

thin.thin.thin. I really want to be thin.

I was crumbling in the dark

I am back..well kind of.
It's been 3 weeks I haven't blogged.

Recent events were: I broke my fast as planned. I binged the next day as not planned. I was hospitalized as definitely not planned. I came back from the hospital after staying there for one night and my parents forced me to stay with them - worst case scenario.

I lost control over everything.

Due to fasting and binging afterwards I got really really sick and the doctor at the hospital asked me if I had an eating problem, which was very embarassing. Thank god he didn't tell my parents. I denied, but he told me he was very concerned about the condition of my gullet.
I was shocked at first but I don't know really what to think about it.

I think I need to give up purging for good.
It is destroying me, and this is not what I wanted.
I just don't see how I am not gonna binge, without purging it is going to be really difficult.
I just want to lose weight and be thin.

I was crying so much for the last weeks. I feel like there is no way out. I am so confused about everything and I don't really know where to go from here. I was eating everything my parents gave me and I think I gained tons of weight.

Now I am back in my appartment and my goal is still the same.

I want to be thin. Tiny. Gorgeous. Loveable. Graceful.

Not that monster that I see when I look in the mirror.

I want to reach my goals, fight the temptations.

But why do I feel so powerless? Depression is making me lethargic.

I am back to zero - on the ground. Alone in the dark. I have to inflame the lights of hope again, one by one.
I have to bring back all the images, that will fill that empty space. I have to spin a net of what I want my life to be. If I jump I will fly high. I am not gonna fall again.

I want my food intake to be restricted and simple. A few things, everything in order.
Cranberry juice. A few drops in my water bottle.
Tea in my favorite teacup while studying.
Apple slices for lunch. Soup for dinner. Using only my small blue bowl.
No more complicated meal plans.
Simple rules that will simplify my life.
The same exercise routine everyday.

I am still sitting here in my dark room, but there is already a little light rising.
I'm gonna stay and I'm gonna work my way back up slowly. I am gonna be more careful this time, more thoughtful.
This is all mine, noone will disturb me in my little world.
But you, my dear readers I'm going to allow a glimpse.

Update on my fast and everything..

Hey guys,
I am back with an update.
I am still sticking to my fast, even though I have a bit of circulation problems due to my low blood pressure.

I attended the birthday party two days ago and succeeded to not eat and have no alkohol ( i told my friends i took medication that day and would't be allowed to drink). I could't stay long, i felt sort of tired that evening and a little dizzy. The guy I told you about in my last post was there. We actually left the party together. We were heading in the same direction, which left us like twenty minutes of chatting before seperating in different directions. He is really nice and funny and we had an interesting and fun conversation. I couldn't tell if he was flirting (he was flirting with me before in classes), but it was a little sad. I just didn't feel that there was any chemistry there, it was more of a friendly vibe. In the end he gave me a hug. And it was..do you know when sometimes people hug you just a second too long? Well he was doing that but then saying something like: "Well, I guess I see you around." (and we don't see each other at university anymore) and then I said something really stupid: "yeah well maybe but maybe not". And that was it. Stupid!
I was sort of angry at myself for not asking him for his number or anything, but the chemistry thing really confused me. And it leaves me wondering if maybe I am not really that attracted to him.

But on to other things.

I am on day 8 with my juice fast. Only two more days.
So I am starting to think about what to eat after my fast and i was thinking about a "safe food" list.

So this is what I came up with:

• greens - lettuce, spinach, rocket etc.
• sprouts
• tomato and cucumber, bell pepper, carrots..basicly all kinds of veggies
• fruits - apples, oranges, all kinds of berries, grapes, melons, cherries, bananas..etc.
• veggie burger patties (homemade)
• eggs (poached, boiled, baked or as an omlette)
• fish - salmon, cod, trout, tuna, herring and seafood
• all kinds of beans in little portions
• soups
• homemade hummus
• homemade salsa and guacamole
• wasa cracker and low cal bread
• low fat cheese
• low fat yoghurt
• agave as a sweetener (low cal and low glycemic index)

as you may noticed there is no meat included aside from fish and eggs. I want to try that for a little while and see how it goes. And I want to try to eat as much organic as I can.
My calorie restriction is going to be 800 a day.
I basicly want to eat more helthy but still not too much.
I want to focus on eating mostly raw fruits and veggies.
What do you think?

take care lovelies.

xoxo

Day #4 and #5

Hey girlies,
how are ya?
I am totally estatic, even though I have to attent to a birthday party of a friend tomorrow night.
I don't know, i feel like I'm high or something and I can assure you I didn't take anything, nether smoked nor did anyone put something in my drink :)
After feeling completly shitty yesterday, today was just an awsome day.
Nothing special even happened. I am just in a good mood.
I going on the scale tomorrow mornig and I hope I lost another few pounds. It feels like I did but we'll see.
Maybe there will be a guy that I like at the party tomorrow. I don't know, thinking about it makes me really nervous. I'd be happy if he would be there, I really would like to talk to him and get to know him better. He seems like a really nice and genuine guy, who treats women with respect (I did meet enough of the opposite in the past). But I frankly don't think he'll like me, because I am so fat still and I just feel so monstrous besindes my thin friends. I feel like I am never gonna find a guy who I like and who likes me back. I seem to attract only men who are disgusting and assholes (I'm sorry for my bad language).
Ugh..now I am in a bad mood again..why did I started to think about that..why?!?
Positive..think positive sila!
phhh..okay, I'm taking a deep breath...
sorry I am an idiot..
who is going to read my stupid ramblings?
okay I gonna end this pointless post.
I hope you guys are doing good, forgive me my moodiness.
xoxo

Day #2 and #3

My fast goes well, I am really surprised how it becomes more and more easy.
Just my digestion is a little off, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, that never happend before.
My hunger disappears more and more.
I stepped on the scale this morning and lost 4 pounds. On new years I weighed 170 again, so I am down to 166 pounds, thank god.
I am very excited to see how much more I am going to lose.
It is so cold outside but I forced myself to go for a walk for an hour yesterday and today. It is so icy outside, to go for a run would be suicidal. I do what I can.
I love the feeling of coming home from a long walk in the snow, when my legs are nearly frozen and I cuddle up on my sofa with a book and a hot cup of tea.
Tomorrow university starts again. I am not too exited though.  We'll see how it goes.
I rearranged the furniture in my room today. I think I am addicted doing that. I have to do it like every 3 to 4 month. Anybody else there who's crazy like me?
I moved my bed to one corner of my room, and I really like it, it is kind of more cozy like that. But I am in constant frustration with my desk, I still need to find the optimal place for it. Right now I have it right befor my window and I like looking outside, but I have my back to the door and it makes me feel a little uncomfortable while sitting there.
I'm sorry I'm rambling.
Ladys have a good night, I am going to bed now, because it is almost midnight where I live.
xoxo

Day #1 of my 10-day juice fast

Ugh there are so many people in my appartment right now, because my roommate has so many friends to visit. I seriously don't know how they all sleep in her tiny little room all together.
They'll be gone by tomorrow, thank god.
So my first official day of my fast went okay. I had a glass of orange juice in the morning (97 cal) and just finished a glass of tomato juice (40 cal), so that's a total of 137 calories.
I feel a little sick right now after the tomato juice..don't know why.
But I am very glad I had no slip ups. My roommate filled our fridge with fatty foods and alcohol. But I am not going to eat it!
She bought a gorgeous cake with cherries and vanilla fudge, i didn't touch a piece of it. And did I mention all the sweets and snacks laying around? I was avoiding the kitchen as much as I could today.
I stumbled over a picture of my body today, that I shot this summer. That gave me a lot of motivation to stick to my fast. I never want to go back there.
I had huge binges back then, I ate like 3000 cal in one sitting. And now, over the holidays I was full after eating half a sandwich. My stomach wouldn't be able to even carry such huge amounts of food, which I am very thankful for. Ugh I'm getting sick by thinking about it.

Well I think i have nothing else to talk about for today..
I hope you are all doing alright.
Take care,

xoxo

2010 Happy new year!

My new years eve was rather horrible.

I felt so out of place.

And I had to eat fatty food.
I prentendet to have stomach cramps, but still I ate some cheese and potato and veggies. Mostly veggies though. I think I had about 400 cal. In the morning I had half a piece of bread and a banana. Not too bad all in all. Ugh but the cheese..

Today I went back to my appartment.
When I came home, I felt relieved but I am still in a depressed kind of mood. I should be excited about the new year, right? About my fresh start, about working hard to reach my skinny dreams. But still I am depressed. I wanted to start my fast today, but stupid me - I found some leftover christmas chocolate. And guess what. Stupid fat girl broke the fast and ate the chocolate. This is not who I want to be.

I have to take responsibility.
I have to be the best I can be.
I want that beautiful thin body.
I want people to look at me and think how beatiful I am, how fragile and exeptionell.
I want to be that starving artist.
I want to be that delicate dancer.
I want to be a living art piece.
I want to be lovable.

Focus on the positive, focus on the positive.. I am trying to make that my mantra.

Here is a list of my new years resolutions.
By the end of this year I want to accomplish:

* reaching my goal weight of 120 lbs

* running regulary or doing another sport (swimming, dancing...)

* finishing my bachelor degree and figuring out what I wanna do afterwards

* finding a boyfriend

* concentrate on real friendships

* changing my lifestyle in beeing more active and productive

*overcoming my depression and anxiety attacks

yes, I think that is pretty much it. I am not sure how to accomplish the last one, maybe I have to look into some kind of treatment.

I'm gonna fast tomorrow. Just water and juice (limited to 200 cal a day).
I have to move on from my chocolate binge.
I hope y'all support me with my fast.

And happy new years everybody!
I whish you all the best, an amazing year of weight loss and accomplishing our dreams!
And also thank you all my followers for beeing there and reading my blog.
You have no idea how much it means to me that you are there.
Thank you so much!

xoxo