update on the previous week aka week one of the chrismas challenge

my lovely ladies,

i dissapointed you..

one pound.. only one pound of weight loss

this is freakin' not good enough!!!

But to start from the beginning..
I had a pretty stressful week, I was very buisy, but not buisy in that kind of way that I wanted to.
University was so stressful, I had to do an assignment together with a group of people I haven't worked with before. It was pure choas and I was so angry with one of them, because he didn't communicate and wanted to do everything on his own. He was so self-centered even the other people noticed. But due to the little time we had, we had to make it work somehow.The professor was satisfied, which was surprising, because I thought we didn't do a good job at all. But well..
Friday and Saturday I had a seminar all day, which was exhausting.

All in all my week was chaotic, I didn't have time to work out and my meal plan was all over the place.

Today though I woke up at 6 am and went for a run. The air was fresh and chilly and it was raining a little, but I was enjoying it so much. My body was basicly screaming for exercise.
I love to go running in the morning, when everybody still is asleep, just the empty streets and me. The fresh morningair. When the birds begin to sing and slowly the sun rises..it's awsome. I feel like I could coquer the world.
After the run I did a session of pilates and then went under the shower.
I'm still in this rush, I feel energized and just... good.
It is this feeling of knowing that I'm moving forwards to my goal.
That I'm doing something.
Now I'm sitting in front of my computer with a bowl of apple- and orange-pieces and a coffee, my breakfast. Later that day I'm going shopping for a coat, I hope I'll find a nice one for winter.
I really hope I'm doing better next week.
I have no classes all week, so it's not such a crazy stressful week as it was last week.

I hope y'all doing good.

xoxo

constant rewind in my head

having breakfast with my dad
he is kind, he asks me what i want to eat
i dont want to eat
i sit with him
force myself to eat a little
for him
we talk - about nothing really -
petty words
i am leaving
i want to hug him
he grabs my arms
forcing them to stay in place
while kissing me on my cheek
he can not bear his own daughter hugging him
making me feel worthless
his kiss on my cheek meant nothing
it was the easy way out
tears are coming up almost the hole time on my way home
i feel embarressed
what have i done?
what have i done..

christmas challenge

I'm sorry i havent posted lately..
since advent is starting next week I decided to start a christmas challenge - for 4 weeks.
My goal is to lose at least 5 lbs every week, 20 lbs alltogether.
My f'ing scale is broken right now, but I'm going to buy a new one on monday.
My plan is to eat 3 little meals each 200 cal max (= 600 cal as the daily limit).
I hope to keep myself from eating by beeing as buisy as possible. I am planning to stay in the library all day, working for my assignments. This is by far my best strategy to keep myself from eating.
I also set up a work out routine, which is going running in the morning for 30 to 40 minutes 3 times a week.
I am going to do yoga also 3 times a week. Additionally I'll do muscle training 4 times a week.
I am really looking forward to just not thinking about food, having my meals planned out for the hole week and losing weight.
Since my scale broke I am going to post my start weight for this christmas challenge on monday.
I'm thinking about buying sugarfree energy drinks (even though i hate the taste of energy drinks), maybe i should stick to diet coke. I am a little worried about my concentration while studying. Any tips or suggestions ladies?
Overall I am trying to do this in an as positive as possible mindset. This is also a good strategy for me to get through this and stick to my plan.
I am just gonna concentrate on myself, not letting anybody or any negative emotions interfere.Point.
I'll keep you updated.
Have a good weekend, all of you!
xoxo

I'm going swimming tonight

Hey guys,
tonight I'm facing one of my fears and go to a public swimming pool. I have a friend by my side, but still I hate beeing half naked in a public place.
Eating wise I'm doing the best I can. I'm staying under 800 calories, which is good but it feels not good enough.
I am not sure wether I should keep this roommate dinner thing or not. On the other side I do not want to be rude by skipping out on it every night and I kind of wanna build a friendly relationship with her. And we mostly just see each other for dinner. Well, I have to think about it. At least I'm always having an eye on eating less than her. And my roommate is thin.

I will also think about making a list of "safe foods", that I can eat, when I'm feeling the urge to binge.
Thank you for the tip Weighting2Escape.

So I'm off to look for my bathing suit..

well well well

So I've finished my fast yesterday. I was pretty proud of myself for finishing it and having the strength to do it. I had my ups and downs, I could not sleep very much throughout the week-end, which was fine for me, because I was working on a paper for school. So the fast overall went fine, I lost 7 pounds when I stepped on the scale monday morning.
Yesterday was the first time I ate something again. I don't know why but as soon as I had some food in my mouth my body was like screaming for more. To cut the long story short, I had a huge (!) binge, which was like hell for my stomach, it was hurting so bad and in the end I was throwing up like without even trying. It was just horrible and I am so much ashamed for myself. I'm gaining all the weight back, I don't want to think about it. And the most terrible thing is that I was in such a binge mode that I binged again this morning, when my roommate was at school. The good thing about having a roommate now is that I can not binge in front of her. So when she's home I can not binge. I would have kept binging all day if she wasn't there, I bet. So I actually had a healthy meal for dinner with her: salad and grilled chicken.
I am returning to my old plan, fruits and veggies throughout the day and a small dinner with my roomie at night. I am also thinking about taking some dance classes, but I am not sure wether I have the courage or not, to show up at one of those classes. Dance classes are the one thing that I wanted to do for a long time. Particularly ballet classes. But I honestly feel too fat and I am too ashamed of my body for taking such a class.
Well I hope to cheer you up with some better news later this week, when I hopefully didn't gained all weight back from my binging... :( ...
It's about looking forward, right?
take care my lovely readers,
xoxo

Fasting Day N°1 and "Nuit Blanche"

I lived in Paris. And I speak french in case you were wondering about my blog post title.

But onto other things..I survived my first day of fasting with a few struggles.
First of all, I've never fasted for more than a few days. So 6 days for me is a tough one. This evening I kind of had a flash back from things that happened in my childhood and teenage years. I instatly felt the urge to binge. I was going back and forth in my head to decide whether I should binge or not. So I stood in my hallway - shoes on, jacket on- ready to go to crash the supermarket for binge food. And then I saw the reflection of myself in the mirror that is hanging in my hallway. I was so digusted with myself, how selfish I am, how greedy and fat. And I turned around. I still managed to not put a single piece of food in my mouth. And it feels good. I overcame the urge to binge. I stayed in control.

Well but I am having a "nuit blache" which basicly means that I can not sleep (it is currently 3:12 AM where I live). I think it might be due to the fast, I'm not sure.
Maybe it is also because I am emotionally stirred up. I thought of a lot of things.

I think I want to share a little of it and therefore I want to write about my father.
From when I was little, I always had weird distance to my father. I don't know where it came from, but I think it is because my mother was very close to me, she raised me and my brothers and it was always her who managed the family. Somehow I did not feel safe beeing alone with my father when my mom wasn't around. Me and my brothers were always on my mothers side when my parents had a fight. Regardless what the fight was about. We alsways felt sorry for my mom (I am speaking for my brothers too, which might be incorrect, Idk) when she was crying. I had this picture in my head of my father beeing the reason of my mothers harm. Which is not true, from the perspective I have now. But this distance between my father and I never went away. I always felt and feel powerless to resolve it. I don't see that he is making an effort too and I often feel as he doesn't even care about me. I know he loves me somehow, but he doesn't show it very much.
I feel like a lot of this has it's impact on my relationships with men. I often feel powerless and used. I can't enjoy someone wanting to be close to me. I feel like I have to fix myself befor I can let anybody be close to me. I have to be perfect in order to feel secure. I have to change in order to deserve love. I am somehow wrong and therefore I starve myself. Therefore I hurt myself with food. Therefore I hurt myself in general.
I don't know if my story makes sense..
I don't think that my father is reponsible for my ED nor my love life but I think that my relationship to my father (and my other family members also, of course) is like a piece of a puzzle.
Enough of the psychoananlysis for tonight. I really have to sleep right now.

Blair - thank you so much sweetie for doing this fast with me! I hope you're doing alright?

Behind the fat - Thank you for your support. It is better not to fast if it leads to major binging. I'm not sure how long I will last but I'm gonna fight for it.

as alway stay strong girls..
xoxo

little monday blues

okay, so saturday evening i didn't go to the fast food place, but i did eat some other food that was available in my kitchen. My roommate was out, so this is why i got drunk (i wouldn't do it in front of her) and binged. I hate binging! I think I got triggered to binge on alkohol and food by the fact that I sat home on this saturday evening and had noone to go out with (the friend I wanted to go out with ditched me last mínute, because she was tired and had back pains). So I sat there while my roommate was going out with her friends and I was in such a bad mood because of it.
Yesterday went okay (despite the fact that I was still a little drunk all morning and my eyes were swollen) but I kept my calories in check as well as today.
Today so far, I had 1 orange and coffee, later I will cook with my roommate. We planned to have pasta and a salad. So for me that means just a little pasta and more of the salad. That will add up to approx. 500 calories for today.
This hole "cooking-together-with-my-roommate-thing" is a little annoying but I can handle it I think. As long as we decide together what we cook. As you may noticed I screwed over my intentional plan with the south beach diet. I have to pretend beeing "normal" in frnt of my roommate, whitch is why my new plan will be: Having just fruit and coffee throughout the day and then dinner with my roommate. With this plan I'll be under 800 calories a day plus I'll have no problems with my enviroment beeing suspicious about my eating habits.
This is really the worst thing for me, to have someone to know about my problems with food. I don't want anybody to know. I want to stay that confident person on the outside. I don't want anybody to see I'm vulnerable. However I'm having a lille of a blues today. The weather is f'ing bad toay, it has been raining all day and I'm tired and have been staying in bed all day.
But I have some good news. My roomate will be gone from wednesday over the week-end till monday. That means six days of freedom food wise. I'm thinking about a little fast. Six days, who is with me?
However stay strong girls and have a great evening!
Love y'all
xoxo

ps. thank you blair for your sweet comment on my last post. It really meant a lot to me! Your words were cheering me up and making me feeling less bad about myself. So thank you so much and I'm glad you like my blog :)