Donnerstag, 19. Mai 2011

sober but hungover

I have this urge to drink today. I mean what on earth am I thinking. It is not good. Alcohol is not good for me period!
I know in which gloomy valleys it will end. It is not fun, although it entertaines and amuses me for a flew moment.
I am not only concerned about my weight gain, but also for my overall health.
AA meeting coming?

I don't feel sick enough. I somehow feel a certain comfort in this prison of food, depression and addiction.
But the truth is: This can not go on forever.
And I know it.

I often feel like I am living a double life. There is this dark side, I can't tell anybody about.
But it is hard to keep up faking my "all is perfect and fun" -  life for my family and friends.
I mean the secrecy is probably protecting my addiction.
Some parts in me feel like I can't just do it anymore. Like I want to get out. Tell the truth.
Some parts in me just want to forget, not take it seriously, not face my issues.
But they are still there, screaming in my face.

Maybe I am not worth beeing thin.
This sentence is echoing in my head, dominating my thought.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I can not accept this.
I am trying to fight this, but I feel powerless.
I don't want to give into my food addiction, I don't want to start purging again.

If anyone is still reading and can somehow relate to this mess of thoughts and feelings I would be very happy for some advice or prayers or anything.
I don't want to ask anything from you, but I think it yould help me very much just to read that someone can relate or understand my situation.
Thank you very much for your time.

1 Kommentar:

  1. Even though I am not you, and I cannot KNOW EXACTLY how you are feeling, I do understand. I understand feeling unworthy of not being thin. Of protecting the ones you love and care about by pretending you are just fine with life and yourself. It's all much more complicated in that. But life will never be easy. Anyone who says or acts differently are simply in denial. You can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your loneliness. You must look at the bigger picture when you start to feel this way. I feel this way often, but I have to close my eyes, count to ten, take deep breaths and take a step back and tell myself that this is MY life and I have the power to do with it what I want. You have that power for your life, even when you feel out of control. You have to remember that you are strong even when you feel weak or tired. What else can you do but keep trying and never give up? If you don't believe in yourself, then why should anybody else? I have to remind myself of these things multiple times a day. No one is perfect...but our imperfections are what make us beautiful. Food has no power over you unless you give it power. You are not powerless. You have the power to walk away, to put the food down, to crush it into tiny bits before it reaches your mouth. Look how far you've come already? See? If you want it, take it.

    Sorry this is a novel.
    I hope it helps!