I was crumbling in the dark

I am back..well kind of.
It's been 3 weeks I haven't blogged.

Recent events were: I broke my fast as planned. I binged the next day as not planned. I was hospitalized as definitely not planned. I came back from the hospital after staying there for one night and my parents forced me to stay with them - worst case scenario.

I lost control over everything.

Due to fasting and binging afterwards I got really really sick and the doctor at the hospital asked me if I had an eating problem, which was very embarassing. Thank god he didn't tell my parents. I denied, but he told me he was very concerned about the condition of my gullet.
I was shocked at first but I don't know really what to think about it.

I think I need to give up purging for good.
It is destroying me, and this is not what I wanted.
I just don't see how I am not gonna binge, without purging it is going to be really difficult.
I just want to lose weight and be thin.

I was crying so much for the last weeks. I feel like there is no way out. I am so confused about everything and I don't really know where to go from here. I was eating everything my parents gave me and I think I gained tons of weight.

Now I am back in my appartment and my goal is still the same.

I want to be thin. Tiny. Gorgeous. Loveable. Graceful.

Not that monster that I see when I look in the mirror.

I want to reach my goals, fight the temptations.

But why do I feel so powerless? Depression is making me lethargic.

I am back to zero - on the ground. Alone in the dark. I have to inflame the lights of hope again, one by one.
I have to bring back all the images, that will fill that empty space. I have to spin a net of what I want my life to be. If I jump I will fly high. I am not gonna fall again.

I want my food intake to be restricted and simple. A few things, everything in order.
Cranberry juice. A few drops in my water bottle.
Tea in my favorite teacup while studying.
Apple slices for lunch. Soup for dinner. Using only my small blue bowl.
No more complicated meal plans.
Simple rules that will simplify my life.
The same exercise routine everyday.

I am still sitting here in my dark room, but there is already a little light rising.
I'm gonna stay and I'm gonna work my way back up slowly. I am gonna be more careful this time, more thoughtful.
This is all mine, noone will disturb me in my little world.
But you, my dear readers I'm going to allow a glimpse.