sunny spots on tinted walls

Sunlight is coming through my windows today. I have to say a lot of goodbyes these days. Scary. I am giving up my job to finish university. But I need to do this. Summer is coming to an end and I feel.. not ready..it's been to short. The days are getting darker already and I fear my depression will become worse with less sunlight during daytime. Maybe I should take some herbal medication this time around.
I had a shoulder injury for the last days which made it impossible for me to do yoga. I feel heavy and sluggish, even though I didn't gain weight. But my shoulder is getting better and as soon as it's over I am going back to my daily routine.
I am stuck at 168 pounds since the last 3 days. I hope to lose the last 3 pounds until friday so I can check my second goal weight of 165 lbs.
Need.to.lose.weight.!!!

 

does coffe count as breakfast?

because that's all I am having in the morning. Allthough I am not getting up before noon, I am usually staying in bed the hole morning, my computer on my lap, writing emails, surfing the internet, doing work stuff in my bed. Breakfast is coffee in bed. Or breakfast replaces my lunch, however you want to look at it.

I lost 5 pounds. Thank god. Still not good enough, still fat. Oh shut up, I lost 5 pounds!
A lot more to lose, but I am getting closer.

I told you long before the sun is coming up

I am not gonna lie, it was hard for the last days not to eat, I've had hunger pains because I was eating so much before. But I know the pain is worth it. And it's gonna pass.

I am not working out at the moment, this is the next step. I have been doing Yoga in the morning, but I want to go running again. It is getting colder outside these days and I think it is going to be nice to run outside or ride my bycicle (I have to fix it before though).

I try to picture the image in my head of myself beeing skinnier and happy. I try to practise positive thinking. Focus my energy on the good in life. Yoga and Meditation is helping with that.



 

starting point

I weighed myself today. 175lbs. I am very disappointed with myself. I knew the number would be quite high, but i was expecting to be at least 10 pounds lighter. But realizing how much I weigh is making me wanting to get off the weight even more. I know I have a long way ahead of me but I am going take every step of the way.

Here is what I ate so far today:
1 apple and half of a banana  (150)
green salad, 1 tomato, 1 hard boiled egg ( 243)
1 string cheese (50)

tonight I am going out to dinner with a friend (sadly I have to attend the dinner) but I think I can get away with having a vegetable soup or a salad.
I hate that whenever I am restricting, it makes me to not be social, not beeing social makes me depressing and ultimately leads to bingeing. I am trying the best I can. I am still trying to focus on the positive.
I am already feeling lighter. I am drinking lots of water and tea (which is making me go to the toilet like every 5 minutes, but hey I am flushing out the toxins, right?) and I am a tiny little step closer to my goal.

Until next time.
xoxo

hello again..and this is how i came here

An hour ago I wrote the following post:

"I am here again.
You know why.
I know why.
I want to lose weight again. I've let myself get out of control but I am done with my past and I am looking into my future. Because the future is all I have. All I can control. And control is what I need.
I am alone in my apartment for the whole month of september. My new roommate is moving in in october. I am so happy because this is an opportunity for me to get everything under control. I am going to clean out my fridge and cupboards tomorrow.
Filling it with:
fruit
low fat yoghurt
low fat milk
salad greens and low calorie vegetables
frozen fish
frozen vegetables and fruits

and that is it! I am so excited!!
I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning (not excited for that part, I know it is going to be horrible but I need a starting point) and I am going to start a food journal again.
I can't wait to see the weight come off again!"

now I am laying in bed in my fresh bedsheets, freshly showered, my teeth are brushed and next to me is a steaming mug of calming tea. A nice picture. Calm, relaxed. No one would ever think what I have done one hour ago.

But lets rewind a little.

Same day, same time, six month ago. I am laying in my bed and I am loving my life. I think of my exciting new boyfriend that I have just met and I am living together with an awsome roommate. We drink together, we party together a hole lot and we are having the times of our lives. I feel like living in a rush of love, excitement and adventure. My roommate is dragging me along, she is the one filling my life with joy and happiness even when my relationship fails in a messy break up. She is this tiny exuberant person, planning my week-ends for me (and even my weeks), she teaches me how to be fearless and happy.

Fast-forward to the end of september.
My friend is moving out. It wasn't unexpected, she was supposed to, leaving my city to go back to her hometown because of work. And then I realized what a huge gap she left in my life.
I realized my inability to create a life for myself without someone elses help. How sickness and depression are catching me again in these times of loneliness.
I am starting to binge again. I tell myself that I want to stop but I can't.
This evening today was the peek of my relapse.

It started with a bottle of white wine and a package of frozen chinese dumplings. How innocent did it all look. And then it found it's way into my mouth. I started to feel really sick but kept eating. I wanted to fill the emptiness that I was feeling inside. But food never fills it. The hole disaster ended with me, crying while throwing up in my bathroom, something I haven't done for a long time.
And i regret it painfully.
I am 27 years old. Other women of my age have a family and kids that they take care of.
I can't even take care of myself.

But I am done regretting. I have let go of the past in order to move on and create positive things for myself in the future.
Losing weight.
Finishing uni. Getting a real job.
Beeing happy.

That's all for tonight my lovely readers who are hopefully not given up on me yet.
Thank you all for reading.
Namasté!

I want to live my dreams and feel like I deserve it

Beeing skinny for once in my life.
Giving the HSGD another shot.
Succeeding as a student. Work hard. work harder. Give it all.

Day 2

A little heads up about yesterday. I weighed in in the morning at 163 lbs, so that's gonna be my starting weight. I'm hoping to lose 14 pounds by the end of this diet so my target weight is 149.
I was doing okay yesterday eating-wise. I had a little slip up again in the afternoon, but I did manage to eat only 800 calories. so this is what I ate:

morning/mid-morning: coffee and milk
                                  1 Babybel light
                                  waterlemon
                                   
lunch:                         small bowl of brown rice and vegetables
                                  
afternoon:                   melon sorbet
                                 1 "Brezel"
                                 3 haribo cherries
                                      
dinner:                       1 Babybel light
                                 cucumber and shrimps (125g)

I did do 20 minutes of cardio and 10 minutes of strength exercise in the morning, I wasn't in the mood for the workout dvd so I did the cardio workout on my stepper.
I don't feel lighter, which is weird because usually I do feel lighter when I restrict, but I guess I still do eat a lot so thats why.
Wel. I have to clean my room right now, because a friend is coming over, I hope she doesn't want anything to eat, because I have nothing at home 0o
xoxo

Day 1 on the HSGD

Day 1 is succesfully over.
I managed to meet my goal of 900 calories today, wuut wuut!
So here is what I ate:

bf: coffee/milk

l: small bowl of pasta and tomato sauce

afternoon: small coffee/milk
                1 bite of cheesecake
                applejuice

d: 1 babybel light
    salad with balsamic vinegrette
    1/2 pkg shrimps (125g)

I'll have to say that the cheesecake was kind of a downfall, but I stayed under my 900 calories and had no carbs for dinner, so I am okay with it.
The only thing I totally forgot was to weigh myself this morning. I'll have to do that tomorrow.
My morning was so hectic that I totally forgot, stupid me.
But there's nothing I can do about it now.
Tomorrow morning I will also do the 30 Day Shred dvd. Jillian Michaels will kick my ass :)

Thank you girls for your encouraging words on my last post!
I hope you all do well.

xoxo

Healthy skinny girl diet

 I am back.

Honestly, I knew in the back of my mind that I would come back to this blog, even though I tried to eat healthy and "normal". I've gained weight. I don't know how much, but I am going to weigh myself first thing tomorrow morning. Aside from my eating I feel so much out of control right now and I think a diet is just what I need right now to regain that sense of control. How practical is it that tomorrow is actually Monday and I can start the following diet:

 

Has anyone ever seen this diet? Or even tried it. If so I'd be happy if you leave me a comment :)

I planned out a binge today, which I know is kind of cotraproductive but I want to get rid of all the unhealthy foods in my house, half a chocolate cake, fatty cheese and bread are all mine tonight. 

I'll post my weight tomorrow and also my daily intake.

xoxo

getting myself together

After yoga and a long meditation this morning I started to feel a little better.
I think, there are a lot of things going on emotionally with me that I am not as concious about as I thought.
I am in a difficult situation with my "best (and only) friend" right now, who basicly told me that I am a horrible person. Since then we are tiptoeing around each other. I act like it never happened, she is probably waiting for a reaction on my part, not sure what to expect from me. I am still hurt and unsure how to fix the situation.
Plus I am under a lot of pressure with university. I basicly have to work my ass off to meet my expectations and graduate this summer. I have to juggle my part time job as well, as I am basicly providing for myself on my own.
Everything in my life right now feels overwhelming. I am looking for the "pause-button" to take a deep breath and reload my energy.
Maybe I should give myself a week-end off, just to really figure things out and what I want in life.
It might be a good idea to reconnect with myself, to find out what my goals are and where I want to go in the future.
I felt so confused in the last few weeks and maybe a few days off will give me the opportunity to refocus.
If I am not sure of what I want how am I going to achieve anything, right?

@Eileenstein
thank you very much for your kind words. It means a lot to me that you took time to leave me your inside on things. A lot of the things that you said really hit home and made me realize that I am indeed in charge of my life. Starting to believe in myself is probably the most needed lesson I need to learn.
It does help very much to know that there are people out there who understand, it makes me feel a little less crazy :)
Thank you very much again,
<3

sober but hungover

I have this urge to drink today. I mean what on earth am I thinking. It is not good. Alcohol is not good for me period!
I know in which gloomy valleys it will end. It is not fun, although it entertaines and amuses me for a flew moment.
I am not only concerned about my weight gain, but also for my overall health.
AA meeting coming?

I don't feel sick enough. I somehow feel a certain comfort in this prison of food, depression and addiction.
But the truth is: This can not go on forever.
And I know it.

I often feel like I am living a double life. There is this dark side, I can't tell anybody about.
But it is hard to keep up faking my "all is perfect and fun" -  life for my family and friends.
I mean the secrecy is probably protecting my addiction.
Some parts in me feel like I can't just do it anymore. Like I want to get out. Tell the truth.
Some parts in me just want to forget, not take it seriously, not face my issues.
But they are still there, screaming in my face.

Maybe I am not worth beeing thin.
This sentence is echoing in my head, dominating my thought.
I don't want to cry anymore.
I can not accept this.
I am trying to fight this, but I feel powerless.
I don't want to give into my food addiction, I don't want to start purging again.

If anyone is still reading and can somehow relate to this mess of thoughts and feelings I would be very happy for some advice or prayers or anything.
I don't want to ask anything from you, but I think it yould help me very much just to read that someone can relate or understand my situation.
Thank you very much for your time.
xo

binge drinking and binge eating - story of my life

I am not very well at the moment.
Even though I am meditating and praying and doing a lot of yoga. It seems like it is not working.
Sometimes I feel like my lonelyness is killing me.
I am drinking too much. It starts of with "ah, I am gonna have a glass of whine to calm down." and then I drink the whole bottle. And then I start to eat. I eat and eat and eat. Can't stop. Eat more.
It is a f*ing vicious cycle.
I've been so good during the day. Haven't eaten much and what I ate was healthy.
Now I ruined it. Again.
I am never going to be thin, because I can not get my act together.

I am not sure how this is gonna stop.

I am going to sleep now. I am tired.

...

I'm really grumpy today. It is such a nice weather out today, but I am still laying in bed at 2 PM ...aaarg!!
I feel sick, I am dehydrated but my legs won't move.
I don't know if I lost weight in the last few days, because I feel bloated, I think I'm having PMS but it is way to early! I do feel a slight pain in my lower belly, I don't know..
I've been doing okay food wise, but I am always thinking I can do better, eat less.
I am not stepping on the scale though, I am too scared I could be dissapointed. Just a few more days.

Here is my food plan by the way:

bf: 1 apple and coffee

l: green salad, cucumber and tomato w/ balsamic vinegrette, 3 tbsp cottage cheese

d: tiny portion of brown rice, veggies in vegetable broth

that sums up to about 500 calories.
This is me trying to eat healthy but still low calorie, what do you think?

I whish you a wonderful and succesful day.
xo

Hiding from my issues

Hello readers,

I've not been updating because I was doing so terrible lately.
My vacation to Amsterdam was good and bad. I was travelling with a group of friend that I didn't know much besides one of them. And I had a problem with her during that time or rather she was ignoring me the hole time, which wasn't a nice feeling. Afterwards she was confronting me with a lot of things that she was criticising about me. Wasn't a nice feeling either, I felt very betrayed. If you hate me that much why are you my friend then?!? I don't know where this leaves our friendship, we haven't had much contact lately. But I'm rambling.
I am back from my parent's house since yesterday where I spent the easter hollidays. I am back in my dark little cave, where I am not doing much besides laying on the sofa and crying. I am back in my depressed little world. I feel very stuck..
After a week of my family around me I am back to my quiet loney life.
I feel lost again. At the beginning of a crossroad without knowing where to go. Which road to choose. Climbing back into my dark cave, a tomb where my mind is confined.
I am hating this. I hate to be depressed but I can't get myself out of here.
I am planning to fast again.
I'll clean out my fridge today. I need to buy water though.
I am gonna start tomorrow by doing a rice day.
I'll keep you posted.

about a boy, amsterdam and weight loss plan

Life has been..a little crazy i guess.

Well, I've met a boy last year before i stopped blogging.
It didn't work out but hey that's life.
He wanted me to gain weight, which basically made me eat nothing.
I mean seriously..I am far away from skinny and then you want me to gain weight?
So we broke up, not because of this issue but it was one of them.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone compatible to me.
I guess I am just attracting the wrong kind of guys.

Right now I am trying to get back to where I left of with my plan back in october last year.
I mean I lost 10 lbs since then but I've been avoiding the scale and I feel like I've gained weight. Which makes me really mad, but I have had a lot of binge cravings lately (and giving into them obviously).
I am probably replacing sex with food. Bad bad, very bad!!

But I am looking forward to go on a trip to Amsterdam with a few girlfriends soon. I can't wait to go, but I want to lose a good amount of weight before I go.
How much do you think is possible for me to lose in one month?
I am aiming for 15 lbs.
I'll be fasting for 5 days next week (or longer if I can) and then I am trying to stick to a "healthy" non processed food diet, low in fat, sugar and of course calories. Combined with exercise I hope to lose the weight, so that I can have an awsome time in Amsterdam.
I'll be updating for sure in the next days.

xoxo
sila

Success I like your sweet taste

I successfully finished my first day yesterday!
I stayed in my calorie range, even though the evening was a little hard, because I was really hungry by 7 o'clock, i felt like eating all my low fat yogurts that i bought earlier that day. But I did't. yay!

I woke up this morning, not hungry at all (mornings are the bests aren't they?) in a really good mood, then talked with my mom on the phone. I really enjoyed talking to my mom, but she starts to go on my nerves when she calls me to often. I am having a job interview this afternoon although I don't know if I want to do the job. But I'll see what the women has to say and what kind of tasks she is expecting me to do. I bet they pay really badly and expect me to do a lot. I'd like a job, that is a little more calm. But I keep looking, I don't have to take it right away right?

Okay so I am off to do some cleaning in my appartment.
The safe food list is still to come, I don't have the time right now to type it up.
But I'm gonna do that maybe later in the day.

yay I don't know I am just happy today, everything is in order.
Maybe I even succeed in eating less calories than yesterday..

hope you have a good day.
xoxo

Time to start over

After laying in bed for the whole day, drowning in self-pitty I decided to put and end to this dramatic behaviour of mine.
I've had enough!
Of my excuses over excuses. Of my whining and bitching, of my self isolation and lazyness but most of my fears!
I am scared. I have to face it. Depression is comfort, my bed is comfort and food is comfort.
No more, no more.

I want to do things, accomplish something in my life.

I want to succeed in beeing a student, I want to succeed at finding a job, I want to be thin, I want to be more athletic.
I want to have my cake and eat it too (not in that literal sense, but wou know what I mean).
I want to have it all.

And I have to work for it. From nothing comes nothing. I can not stay in bed and wait for a miracle to happen. It is never going to happen and all I'll be doing is wait.

So I set out a plan:

I have my goal, I know where I want to go.
But, in order for me to succeed I'll have to take it slow (not super slow, but I won't be able to fast right away). I am going to restrict my calorie intake more and more, starting at 1200.

I've made a safe food list which I am going to stick most of my time. If I am in a social situation, I am going to allow myself a tiny little portion of whatever. That way I am not going to feel restricted and binge later.
If I feel that I am in danger of bingeing, I am going to allow myself a tiny portion of whatever I am craving as well.
I really hope that this strategy will work for me and keep me from bingeing!

I'll have to come up with a work out plan as well but I haven't yet.

I think I really need a fresh start. I am going to declutter my hole bedroom and the kitchen as well, to make it really official.

so, I have lots to do as you see..
I am gonna check in tomorrow and let you know of my progress.
Maybe I'll type up my safe food list as well if you're interested.

xoxo stay strong & carpe diem!

i lost my life

Had a binge yesterday night.
My roommate was sleeping and i got up to make pasta.
I hate myself very much right now, I can not bear to get out of bed.
I can not bear to open the window curtains.
I want to stay here in the darkness where i feel secure.

I lost my live, I will lose my life, I can not stay in bed all day.
I already did too much damage to my life.
I am a failure.

poem of the night

I am blank.

I am a semi beautiful doll
too fat to be pretty
too honest to be dull.
I want to feel something -
badly.
I want to cry out loud.
Pain is relief.
Food is poison.
My bones in a plastic bag.
Tomorrow is yesterday
all over again.

sun is shining - the weather is sweet

Sometimes I think I might be bipolar.
How come that I have such highs and lows. It's crazy.

Today the sun is shining and I am just over the moon.
No eating intended today.
I am not even hungry.
I had coffe and a sip of orange juice.

I am going to clean up my room today. I have not been cleaning for a week and it looks like I've been robbed or something.
It's gonna feel good to have a clean room again.
I also plan to redecorate my room a bit. I become bored with how my room looks really easily.

I am planning on having only liquids today. I am gonna weigh myself on saturday morning and hopefully I will be the same weight or less.

There is a hole lot sitting on my shoulders like finishing papers for my university classes, finding a job etc. I get stressed even thinking about it. But I try to remain calm and do yoga and basicly tell myself that I am not stressed.
stress = binge = fat!

I hope y'all doing well girls.
Just remember taking one day at a time.