failure..

I failed my chrismas challenge.

If you were wondering why i wasn't updating, that was the reason.
I feel like such a loser.
I stayed at my parents over christmas, and all my family does is eat eat eat..seriously it is gross!
My mother was contantly nagging me about my eating habits, asking if i was on a diet.
I binged on ridiculous high amount of chocolate. I just could't stop myself.

"You are so self centered. No wonder you have no boyfriend.
You are just not likable."

My mothers words stabbing in my heart, even if she said it as a sort of joke.
Chocolate, more chocolate, i have to eat more..

I didn't step on the scale yet, but I am sure I gained a lot. I can see it in the mirror. I can feel it.
I gained so much, I hate myself for beeing so weak.

Today I got in a huge argument with my brother, i was so hurt by his words. He told me I was selfish and never doing anything for him. And he told me basicly that I was fat and deserved to be treated with no respect, because I wouldn't respect him. I cryed for over an hour in the bathroom upstairs, away from my family.

My best friend and almost all of my other friends are out of town.
I have no money to pay for a train ride to go somewhere else.
I am stucked in my hometown and have to stay at my parent's over new years eve. I could cry even more right now. I even thought about staying at my apartment all by myself, watching TV and getting myself drunk with a bottle of champagne tomorrow night.

I just feel alone.

Noone of my friends considered to stay with me.
I seriously hate my life.
I feel like I have no real friends, nobody cares for me.
Why even live?!?

The thing is I have to proof to myself and everybody else that I can do it.
I want to have a fresh start 2010.
I want to start the new year with a fast. I'm thinking maybe a master cleanse or a juice fast, because I have to attend classes next week.
I am planning 10 days of fasting, maybe more. I'll see how it goes.
I'll start January 1st.
This is my first new years resolution.
I'll think about more resolutions.
Stay tuned, I hope you're all gonna celebrate tomorrow night.

xoxo